Arizona Humor

rizona Humor Information Calling

As an intern for Arizona High-ways, I often telephone around the state to inquire about various upcoming events. One such call was to an exceptionally efficient and professional chairwoman of an arts and crafts event. Midway through our conversation, she asked if I could please hold for a moment. A long pause preceded her return. "Sorry," she said finally, "I had to peel an egg for my husband."

Lasting Impression

When my son was stationed at the Marine Corps Air Station in Yuma, my daughter-in-law, who had lived all her life in the mountains, found the barren landscape very depressing. One hot morning, as she stood at her door looking out over the miles of bleak countryside and longing for cool green woods, the postman arrived. Seeing the distant look in her eyes, he stood next to her in silence for one long moment. Then, in a tone of wonder, he said: "Beautiful, ain't it? And not one tree in sight to spoil the view."

Game Advice

A number of years ago I was a game warden checking fishermen along the Colorado River below Hoover Dam. In those days there were several fish in the river that are not there now: Colorado River minnow, bonytail, humpback sucker. As I was walking up to a young woman, she had just hooked a fish and reeled it in. She unhooked the fish and waslooking at it when I told her she had a bonytail. "You aren't so fat yourself," she replied.

Adventure in Oatman

Late one Saturday afternoon while visiting the ghost town of Oatman, I heard laughter and cheering coming from one of the bars. To my surprise, I discovered that a blowgun contest was going on. Someone had hollowed out a pool cue, and they were shooting a pin with a bead on the end. But no one was hitting the bull's-eye on the dart board they were shooting at. In fact, just about everyone missed the target entirely. Seems the suds had dulled their aims. Ordering a brew, I expressed interest in trying my luck. The friendly bartender hand-ed me the blowgun and shout-ed, "Bull's-eye wins a round on the house!" As I shot, someone's elbow got me sharply in the back, and my shot missed the target by several feet. But as we took a closer look at where my pin landed, the bartender exclaimed, "Close enough! That's a round on the house."

My pin had hit the campaign poster of a local candidate for sheriff, nailing him right on the nose.

Garlic and Obesity

One summer I was invited to speak on the medical benefits of garlic at the Garlic Fes-tival in Camp Verde. I was explaining some of its advantages for obesity in terms of lower serum cholesterol and triglyceride levels. "But how does that work to help you lose weight?" asked one obviously frustrated heavy-set woman.

Before I had time to respond, a male voice from somewhere in the back yelled, "Because from a distance you'll definitely look smaller."

Not Exactly Good News

A friend from Florida arrived for an Arizona visit the same day a massive hurricane threatened his home state.

Driving through Payson, he stopped at a gas station where a tobacco-chewing old-timer spied his Florida tags.

"What part of Flory-dah you from?" the old-timer asked. "Tallahassee," my friend replied. The old-timer chewed on this a minute then brightened with a reassuring smile. "You can stop runnin' now," he said. "Hurricane won't getcha here."

In the Cause of Justice

My grandfather was serving on a jury in a small Arizona town one steamy July day when the air-conditioning in the courthouse faltered and then broke down completely. The jurors grew hot, tired, and irritable, but the defense attorney didn't seem to notice. He kept rambling on. At one point in his summa-tion, the long-winded attorney asked rhetorically, "What does Angela Lansbury do every week on 'Murder She Wrote?'"

The courtroom was quiet for a moment until my grandfather's weary voice called out, "Finish in an hour."

TO SUBMIT HUMOR

Send us a short note about your humorous experiences in Arizona, and we'll pay $75 for each one we publish. We're looking for short stories, no more than 200 words, that deal with Arizona topics and have a humorous punch line. Send them to Humor, Arizona Highways, 2039 W. Lewis Ave., Phoenix, AZ 85009. Please enclose your name, address, and telephone number with each submission. We'll notify those whose stories we intend to publish, but we cannot acknowledge or return unused submissions.