GENE PERRET'S WIT STOP

gene perret's Witstop Baffling NEW TV SET Isn't Even REMOTELY Easy to Operate

THERE'S AN ARIZONA TOWN ALONG Interstate 17 just north of Phoenix called New River. I've never been there, but I have a question. Why is it New River? Was the Old River broken? Did they trade it in? Is the New River better than the Old River?

Probably, I'm a little upset because I just got a new television set, and I hate the thing. It cost a fortune, and it is a beautiful appliance. It has a great picture and fantastic sound. You can watch one show on it and tape another at the same time. You can have a picture within a picture. That's right. The big picture occupies the main screen, while a tiny insert of another show sits in the corner. It most likely does a lot of other things that I'm not even aware of.

Then why do I hate the new television?

Because I can't turn the dad-blamed thing on.

But my wife can. Of course, she listened to the man who installed the set, and she also read the instruction book. She's obsessive that way. Me? I just aim the remote control at the TV and expect it to do whatever I want it to do. Like the family dog, it doesn't.

My spouse was preparing dinner the other day when I went into a tirade. “I hate this television!” I screamed.

My wife calmly asked, “What's the problem now?” “I turned the TV set on, but it won't come on.” She said, “The TV is on. See that little red light at the bottom? That means the television is on.” I said, “Shouldn't there be a picture on the screen, too?”

She said, “No.”

I yelled, “Fourteen hundred dollars for a television that doesn't have a picture?” She said, “If you want a picture on the TV screen, you have to turn on the VCR also.”

I said, “How do I do that?”

She said, “Hit the button that says 'VCR' and then push the button that says 'POWER.” I did, and I finally got a picture.

My wife went back to her cooking . . . but not for long because I still had a problem. “I hate this TV!” I screamed.

“Now what?” she asked.

I explained, “I want to change channels on the TV, but I can't get it to do it.” She said, “Don't get so upset. I want you to clean the garage, but I can't get you to do it, either.”

I said, “You didn't pay $1,400 for me.”

She said, “I also didn't get a warranty with you, either.” “Just show me how to change the channels,” I said.

She told me to hit the button that said “TV” and the TV would change channels. I did, and the TV did.

“If you need any more help,” my wife said, “just call.” But I wasn't going to call for aid. I was going to master this monster on my own. I decided to experiment with the buttons. I pushed some button and a little picture appeared in the corner of the screen. I was watching a baseball game, and all of a sudden Emeril Lagasse was cooking a chicken on first base. I didn't want him there, so I pushed another button. The pictures switched. Now I was watching Emeril Lagasse cook a chicken and Barry Bonds hit a line drive over the leftfield wok.

I pushed another button, and pictures popped up all over the screen. The bases were now loaded with Emeril Lagasse. I didn't want Emeril Lagasse in my ballgame, but I couldn't get rid of him.

I started to scream and yell. My wife came running back in to calm me. “Stop it. Stop it!” she yelled. “What are you trying to do?” I said, “I'm trying to send Emeril Lagasse back to the minors, but I can't find the right dad-blamed button on this dad-blamed machine.” I kept pushing buttons and pictures kept flashing on and off.

My wife took the remote from me. She banished Lagasse from the screen (I don't know how she did it) and returned my baseball telecast to normal. Then she headed back to the kitchen, taking the remote control with her.

So, I apologize for quarreling with New River's name in the opening paragraph. I'm sure it's a fine community, and I will visit it sometime. I promise. I just hope that your New River works better than my new television.

In the book, Growing Older is So Much Fun EVERYBODY'S Doing It author Gene Perret says, “If you can't shoot your age in golf, take up bowling.” To order this book ($6.95 plus shipping and handling) or other Perret humor books, call toll-free (800) 543-5432. In Phoenix, call (602) 712-2000. Or use arizonahighways.com.