How to Get 'Rattled' on a Good Day Hike

“All we need is a dead rattlesnake,” I told photographer Bernadette Heath. I'd found a recipe for chicken-fried rattlesnake and couldn't resist the chance to play a practical joke. I knew she liked her snakes far away, not on her plate. “The recipe says, 'Skin snake and wash inside and out. Cut snake into 1-inch chunks and soak in cold water for one hour.' You do that and I'll do all the rest,” I said. “Why do I have to be the one to kill the rattlesnake?” Bernadette asked with a whine. “Because you're the one who attracts snakes,” I answered. “I never find them. All you have to do is go out in the desert, and snakes flock to you.” Bernadette and I were planning to hike La Barge Canyon at Canyon Lake, approximately 45 miles northeast of Phoenix and a perfect location for snakes. According to legend, old man La Barge, the canyon's namesake, was on a hunting trip with his son when he came upon an Indian man laughing at him. The Indian told La Barge that he had been watching the two of them coming into the Bluff Springs Mountains that morning, and at one point La Barge was standing on $50 million worth of gold. La Barge believed the Indian's story and spent the rest of his life scouring the area for the gold. Now the legend claims old man La Barge's ghost still stalks the canyon looking for gold. Bernadette was already spooky about this canyon, so I made sure I mentioned rattlesnakes or ghosts to her often before the hike. To make the joke work, her brain needed to be crawling with snakes and her nerves edgy. Meanwhile, I bought a lifelike rubber rattlesnake and convinced my 14year-old daughter, Jessica, to come along. Elyse Hulse, a school teacher from New York, also joined us. Elyse works with emotionally challenged children and was developing a program involving photography and writing. She figured spending time with a pair of professionals would help her with ideas. Her first day would be hiking La Barge Canyon, and I thought some fried rattlesnake and a cranky ghost would be good for a New Yorker, too. April sunlight glinted off Canyon Lake as Bernadette unloaded a brilliant yellow inflatable raft. La Barge Canyon could be reached two ways: via Boulder Canyon Trail (No. 103) starting from State Route 88 on the east side of the bridge across from the Canyon Lake Marina, or by rowing across Canyon Lake to the mouth of La Barge Canyon. Bernadette chose the water route, but the raft was too small to hold us and our gear. The best plan called for Bernadette to row Jessica and our backpacks across, then come back for Elyse and me. “Your

ready so that when we got there we could start for the trucks. The three of us hiked along slowly, stopping for frequent rests. Suddenly, Bernadette came running up. "It's gone. Someone stole the raft."

I first thought she was joking-a revenge for the snake trickbut one look at her face was enough to convince me. "Someone broke the tree off and slipped the chain over the stump. The raft is gone; no sign of it."

I cringed at the thought, but maybe those canyon ghosts were really here.

The whole atmosphere of the hike changed from an easy dayouting to a life-threatening problem. Bernadette knew that the Boulder Trail was on top of the hill, but we had a steep climb to reach it. I looked at Elyse questioningly, but she said, "If that is what we need to do, I can do it."

Scrambling around cacti and loose rocks, we made it to the top. Looking down on Canyon Lake, we could see a bright yellow raft floating near the shore. Some children climbed on it, then dove into the lake. Elyse's spirit stayed strong, but the rest of her wasn't, and the heat took its toll on all of us. Stopping under a paloverde tree, I retrieved an orange plastic slicker from my pack and draped it over the leafless limbs to make some welcome shade.

After a powwow, we decided that Bernadette, who knew the path and was in the best condition, would head down the hill to State Route 88, then follow it around to where the trucks were parked, notify the rangers we might need rescuing and bring her truck closer to our descending trail. The rest of us would remain on the mountain.

Occasionally, I'd wander to the edge of the ridge and watch for Bernadette. Finally, I could see her truck parked off the highway far below as she climbed the hill. We welcomed her for the rescuer she was when she brought more cool Gatorade.

Bernadette explained that the kids had found the raft floating in the lake. "Someone had to put that raft out in the lake," Bernadette insisted. "Rafts don't break off live trees and slip the chain off by themselves."

I wondered if La Barge's ghost didn't like yellow rafts at the mouth of his canyon. I'd planned to play a trick on Bernadette, but someone or something had played a trick on us-one that could have had a bad ending.We took frequent rest stops, but we all made it off the mountain before dark and under our own power. That fact made us proud with an underlying sense of relief that we didn't need to be rescued. We climbed into Bernadette's waiting truck and drove back to the lake to our starting point, where we reclaimed the raft. As we hoisted it in the truck, I wished that bright yellow hunk of rubber could tell us how it got loose.

"Let's get back into town and find a place to eat," Bernadette suggested.

"Maybe we can find one that serves fried rattlesnake," I added. Bernadette glared, Elyse and Jessica rolled their eyes, and I decided I'd better not mention chicken-fried rattlesnake again, at least not on this trip. I looked back over my shoulder at La Barge Canyon and wondered if the ghost had the last laugh on me.

{highway to humor} VULTURE JOKES

Here's a sample of the vulture jokes our readers sent us: Why did the vulture delight in finding a squished roadrunner?

He really enjoyed eating fast food.

Why do buzzards fly in circles?They're too stubborn to ask for directions.

{early day arizona}

"I see you play Hamlet," remarked the novice."I do," admitted Yorick Hamm.

"It's a tragedy, isn't it?"

"Nearly always."

Vultures are some of the best critters I've ever known. Who else will hang around when things are really dead?

The vultures' favorite restaurant is the Road Kill Cafe, where they're dying to serve you. Specials include blacktop surprise, smashed rodent and pavement pudding. Catch of the day is the chicken that didn't make it across the road.

The husband vulture was constantly complaining to his wife, "All we ever have is leftovers."

We're cultured vultures — we always wipe our beaks on the road after we eat.

Question: What do vultures call a toothache?

Answer: Tough pickin's.

Two vultures go into the airport, ready for their vacation. They get in line for the ticket agent and soon it is their turn. The first vulture checks his bag and turns to his friend.

"Don't you have any luggage to check?" he asks. The second vulture

Heat Strokes

UNUSUAL PERSPECTIVE

says, "No, I only have carrion."

COLORLESS LANGUAGE

An old Arizona farmer drove his team of mules to town and was late returning.

"What took you so long?" asked his wife.

"Well, on the way back," the farmer explained, "I had to pick up the priest and, from there on, them mules didn't understand a thing I said."

CAREFUL WHAT YOU WISH FOR

Several years ago, six carloads of friends from California were going to New Mexico for a reunion. All of us had citizens band radios in our cars. We were driving along a lonely stretch of road in Arizona when a strong signal came over the CB.

"Break," said a man's voice.

"For the first time in 25 years, my wife and I are vacationing without having children in the car, and the silence is getting intense."

Almost immediately a whining second voice replied, "I'm hungry! I have to go to the rest room. Are we almost there?"

"Ah, that's a 10-4," came back the original voice. "Thanks and over and out."

ALL SYSTEMS GO

My mother, who is 90, has lived alone for years. When I last visited her, she said, "Son, I admit it. When I'm here all alone, I sometimes talk to myself."

I'm sure this brought a look of concern to my face. She then looked at me and said, "Oh, don't worry, it's really a good thing. It helps me check to see if my hearing aids are working!"

REDEFINED RUINS

My wife and I took my brother and his wife to Montezuma Castle National Monument. Shortly after we started down the path, we came upon a large group of tourists from various parts of the world and stopped to listen to the tour guide's spiel. He finished by saying, "Arizona has more than 26,000 ancient ruins." There was a lot oohing and ahhing, so I added, "And I'm one of them."

UNSAFE AT ANY SPEED

While traveling on Interstate 10 to Tucson with a friend who disliked criticizing anyone, we came up on a very slow-moving car with an Arizona license plate. The car was going dangerously below the speed limit.

When I made a comment about how some Arizona residents drive much worse than winter visitors, she observed, "I guess he's just the abominable slow man."

{reader's corner}

About 27 million tourists visit Arizona each year... better make that 27 million and two. I'm expecting my aunt and uncle for a visit next week. If you've got a good tourist joke, we'd like to hear it. We'll pay $50 for each one we publish.

TO SUBMIT HUMOR: Send your jokes and humorous Arizona anecdotes to Humor, Arizona Highways, 2039 W. Lewis Ave., Phoenix, AZ 85009 or e-mail us at [email protected]. Please include your name, address and telephone number with each submission.