HUMOR

{highway to humor} GEMSTONES

Here's a sample of the gemstone jokes we got from our readers: As our anniversary approached, my wife dragged me to a jewelry store to window shop and said, "Diamonds are forever." I said, "They'd have to be. It would take me that long to pay 'em off."

{ early day arizona

Office boy: "Please, sir. Me Gran'mudder's dead, an' I want de afternoon off."

Boss: "Johnny, do you know where little boys go who tell lies?"

Office boy: "Yes, sir. To de ballgame."

What do you call an engagement ring without any clothes on? A diamond in the buff.

At an evening meeting of the Knoxville, Tennessee Gem and Minerals Society, a woman suddenly opened the door asking, "Anyone here have a blue Opel?"

No one had a blue opal.

"Well," she said, "whoever it is, you left your lights on."

A cowboy walks into a Tucson bar wearing a ring with a huge diamond on it. The bartender says, "My, that's a big diamond. Is it real?"

"Well, if it ain't, I sure been done out of a buck fifty."

My daughter said she wants to be a doctor when she grows up, so we thought she'd be interested in the medicine-man talk near our vacation lodge.

Sure enough, she was fascinated by the folkways and lore. When the medicine man held up a turquoise fetish, he pointed out the significance of the veins of goldlike color running through it. "Yep, I know all about that," Ashley blurted out. "My mom has a bad case of very-close veins herself."

GREAT VIEW

Recently a real estate agent showed a home to a couple who seemed eager to check out the property after learning the view from the living room was fantastic. But when the drapes were dramatically pulled back, the disappointed husband asked,

UNUSUAL PERSPECTIVE

Desert plants, like cacti, develop pointy spines as protection from animals. It's also a way to get even with people who ignore the "Please don't pick the flowers" sign.

"Where's the view? Those mountains must be blocking it."

POSITION IS EVERYTHING

The frame around the rear license plate of an Arizona Department of Public Safety patrol car spotted in Show Low had the following message: "Smile . . . I could be behind you!"

EXPERT GUIDE

The elderly gentleman who guided us through our tour of a ghost town captivated us with his stories of the early days. As we left, I gave him a tip and complimented him on being such an excellent student of Arizona history.

"Shucks," he replied, "I didn't have to study it. I lived it!"

ART CRITIC

The young art students from Holbrook were excited to tour the "El Greco to Picasso" exhibit at the Phoenix Art Museum. For months, they had been learning about color and composition. Prior to the field trip, their teacher taught them to identify artists by the painting style. They were pointing out works of famous artists they'd studied.

One second-grade artist walked up to an early Picasso painting of a nude woman standing in a tub of water. The child studied the composition and the blend of colors.

"Not bad." she commented. "But in those days, people didn't know how to dress!"

CHILD'S PORTION

We stopped at a small cafe in Arizona a fewyears back, and my wife wanted the luncheon listed under the heading, "Child's Plate."

She asked the waitress, "Don't you think that when a person reaches my age and is in her second childhood, she should be allowed the child's plate?"

The waitress smiled and said, "I'm not supposed to, but I'll give it to you. And what would you like to drink with your meal?"

"Coffee," my wife answered.

"I'm sorry," the waitress replied. "You're too young for coffee."

TRAVELER'S BRIEFING

When flying from Denver back to Phoenix, our pilot entertained us by describing various sights as we passed over them.

Upon flying near Meteor Crater, he commented, "This is quite a tourist destination in northern Arizona. Thousands of years ago, this huge meteor weighing several hundred thousand tons plummeted to Earth at an incredible speed, scattering debris for miles. That crater is now over a mile across and nearly 600 feet deep!"

Upon hearing this, a young fellow across the aisle from me exclaimed, "Gee whiz! It just missed the highway."

{ reader's corner}

Small towns are as American as apple pie, but our town is so small it would only qualify as an apple tart.

This month's topic is small towns. Send us your small-town jokes, and we'll pay you $50 for each one we publish.

TO SUBMIT HUMOR: Send your jokes and humorous Arizona anecdotes to Humor, Arizona Highways, 2039 W. Lewis Ave., Phoenix, AZ 85009 or e-mail us at [email protected]. Please include your name, address and telephone number with each submission.