Arizona Humor

PUBLIC PLEADING In the fall of 1990, I was among a group of volunteers taking telephone pledges during a fund drive by KAET-TV, the Phoenix-area PBS affiliate. Because there was a chance I would be seen on TV during breaks in the programming, my five-year-old grandson, Brian, prevailed upon his mother to let him watch until dinnertime. She consented, though reluctantly, because the show he would see waiting for me detailed the birth of a baby, beginning with conception. However, the first part of the program depicted sperm swimming along, and she thought that was okay for it looked more like a space odyssey than a biology lesson. Brian watched intently. Then, abruptly, there was a break, the cameras panned the volunteers, and Brian saw his grandpa on television. The boy's mother then turned off the TV, relieved the program did not get far enough along to cause her problems. The family sat down to dinner, and the subject was forgotten. Until the next day, that is. About midmorning, Brian approached his mother with the kind of pleading look on his face that only a five year old can muster, and said: "Mom, wouldn't it be nice if we had a sperm for a pet?"

DEER HUNTING My husband and I were among a group in the piney woods tracking deer one hunting season, and we had extraordinarily good for-tune, so good, in fact, that we bagged one more deer than we had permits for. Our solution was for me to return to the city to purchase another permit. At the sporting-goods store, the clerk began to fill out the permit.

"Name?" he asked. I told him. "Address?" I told him. "Weight?" "I don't know," I answered, "but it was a two-pointer."

OUR ORIGINS The late Charles Loloma, internationally renowned Hopi artist, not only excelled as an innovator in jewelry but gained great respect as a gentle, yet effective, philosopher.

Once, a white man was researching the Mandans, a tribe of American Indians with blue eyes, light skin, and blond hair. The scholar asked Loloma, "Could it be that the Mandans descended from Welsh or Norse explorers, or some other white race?" Loloma replied, "Has it ever occurred to you that possibly the Mandans sailed overseas and started the white race, then came back home?"

A FABLED BIRD Our grandchildren, Sarah, four, and John, three, were at our house to spend the night. It was about dusk, and they were playing in a backyard sandbox when a wren flew over and landed in its nest in a paloverde tree. "Why do birds go to bed so early?" Sarah asked her grandfather. He picked her up and replied, "Don't you know the story of the early bird and the worm?" She didn't so he told her that birds go to bed early so they can get up early and catch worms for breakfast.

Within seconds, little John, who seemingly had been oblivious to this conversation, looked up and announced: "I brought cereal."

PASTORAL SETTING It has been our family's custom to take out-of-town guests for a picnic in the desert mountains outside of Phoenix. On one such afternoon, my mother, aunt, and I took a hike along a sandy arroyo. While we eyed the beauty of the small canyon, my mother, always the perfectionist, commented how complete the picture would be if there were a cowboy to serenade us. Moments later as we turned a bend in the riverbed, we heard guitars and voices drift over a rocky knoll.

To our disbelief, two vaqueros in full dress appeared at the top of the hill, halted their steeds, turned, and rode from view. Before we could gather our senses, the Spanish song began again, and once more the singing duo rode to the hilltop, turned, and disappeared. As the three of us scrambled to the crest of the hill to see where our heroes went, a loud voice assaulted us: "Ladies! Get out of the way, we're trying to film a commercial here!"

TO SUBMIT HUMOR Send us your humorous Arizona experiences, and we'll pay $75 for each one we publish. We're looking for short stories, no more than 200 words, that deal with Arizona topics. Send them to Humor, Arizona Highways, 2039 W. Lewis Ave., Phoenix, AZ 85009. Please enclose your name, address, and telephone number with each submission. We'll notify those whose stories we intend to publish, but we cannot return unused submissions.

TITILLATING TOURISTS When I drove a tour bus at the Grand Canyon, I would amuse my passengers by telling jokes. Most of the time they would laugh appreciatively, but occasionally I drew a tough crowd. One trip, each comment was met by stony silence, except for an elderly Englishwoman who liked my humor. Finally, heading back to Grand Canyon Village, I decided to make one last attempt to get a response from the other passengers.

"We're running a little late, folks," I said. "I'll have to speed up a bit, but I promise to slow down to 90 for the curves." Not a sound. Then my English fan piped up, "Let 'er go, Jim. We can ride as fast as you can drive."

The bus broke up.