Arizona Humor

rizona Humor UNCOMMON BANKING

In the 1920s and '30s most Irural small-town banks in Arizona were locally owned and operated. Many of the cattle ranchers they served were somewhat informal in their methods of doing business.

It was not uncommon for a rancher to buy several head of cattle, write a check for the purchase despite having no funds in the bank to cover it, then inform the banker, trusting that the check would be paid.

Not yet accustomed to the changes that branch banking and federal scrutiny brought about, one old-timer in northern Arizona continued his write-now, inform-later banking practice much to the annoyance of his local branch manager.

Pleading, scolding, and threats by the banker did not deter the old-timer. Finally, the bank returned one of his cattle-purchase checks.

A few days later the rancher came into town and got into a heated discussion with the banker. Standing by the front door as he prepared to leave the bank, the old-timer yelled across the lobby to the bank manager: "John, if you treat all your friends and customers like you do me, when you die your wife is goin' to have to hire pallbearers!"

ONE FOR THE BOOKS

Some years ago, after listen-ing to a lecture on Irish immigration to the U.S. around the turn of the century, this is how a history student at South Mountain High School answered an essay question about the causes of the exodus: "The Irish left their country to come to America because of the threat of the Potato Phantom."

MILITARY PRATFALL

Three-star Gen. Jack Wheeler arrived in Mesa with his retinue to deliver a speech to some administrators.

The MC by way of introducing Wheeler noted that the first time he had met the general the officer's face was badly scratched and bruised.

"How did that happen?" he inquired.

"I got thrown from a horse," the general said, "my foot got caught in the stirrup, and I was being dragged."

"Holy cow," the MC said.

"How did you get loose?"

"Well, eventually," the general answered, "the manager at K Mart saw what was happening and unplugged the machine."

ARTFUL SNACK

One day, while staying with relatives in Mesa, we decided to visit the Phoenix Art Museum. My five-year-old son, Chris, asked if he could put a snack in my purse to eat at the museum. I said okay.

Several hours later while we roamed among the exhibits, Chris tugged on my sleeve and asked, "Mom, can I have my ice-cream sandwich now?"

GUEST LECTURER

The criminology professor at Arizona State University invited an attorney friend to lecture to his class. Introducing the attorney, the professor said: "I want you to know this man is a warm speaker. Of course, you will remember that the definition of warm is not so hot."

His friend replied: "I want to thank you for that kind introduction and let the class know I have always regarded you as a model teacher. You have to remember, however, a model is a small, nonworking object."

BRITISH TOURIST

A visitor from Great Britain driving into Arizona stopped at the inspection station south of Tuba City. He was asked the standard question, "Have any fruits or vegetables?"

His curiosity aroused, the Britisher asked, "Why?"

The attendant explained it was to keep unwanted pests out of the state and to protect the trees and vegetation.

The tourist looked around at the barren desert landscape and replied: "I hate to tell you this, but you are too late."

CASUAL PEDESTRIAN

A policeman directing traffic in downtown Phoenix became highly agitated when an elderly woman strolled calmly out into the street after he had flagged her to remain on the sidewalk.

"Lady," roared the officer, "don't you know what it means when I hold up my hand like this?"

"I ought to," replied the jaywalker, "for the past 25 years I have been a schoolteacher."

TO SUBMIT HUMOR

Send us a short note about your humorous experiences in Arizona, and we'll pay $75 for each one we publish.

We're looking for short stories, no more than 200 words, that deal with Arizona topics, and have a humorous punch line.

Send them to Humor, Arizona Highways, 2039 W. Lewis Ave., Phoenix, AZ 85009. Please enclose your name, address, and telephone number with each submission.

We'll notify those whose stories we intend to publish, but we cannot acknowledge or return unused submissions.