Arizona Humor

rizona Humor DEER HUNTING FOR ALL

A friend of mine hunted deer annually in the forests of the Kaibab Plateau or the Mogollon Rim.

One particular year, his wife insisted she accompany him, although she had never been in the woods.

At the hunting area, he carefully stationed his wife at a deer trail and said, “When I hear you shoot, I'll come back and help you dress the animal.” About a half hour later he heard a shot and, returning to the spot he had left his wife, found her holding a cowboy against a tree and poking her rifle barrel into his stomach.

“This guy wants to take my deer,” she informed her husband.

“Lady, I do not want your deer,” the cowboy interjected. “I just want to get my saddle off him.”

A WRENCHING ORDEAL

While visiting with my parents in Tucson, my wife, Linda, brushed against a cactus. The hundreds of tiny needles proved too much for tweezers, so I called the local “Ask a Nurse” number to find out if there were a better way to remove cactus needles.

“Elmer's Glue,” said the nurse. “Put it on, let it dry, and just peel it off.” So off to the store I went, driving fast, to buy Elmer's Glue. It wasn't long before a policeman pulled me over.

“I know I was speeding, officer, but I have to get a couple of tubes of Elmer's Glue right away so I can smear it over my wife's face and body.” The policeman looked me in the eye for five full seconds, looked up at the sky, then drove on without a word.

CROSSWORD PUZZLE

My daughter-in-law was working a crossword puzzle and asked for a fourletter word meaning “an unconscious state.” The word she sought was obviously “coma,” but without thinking I answered, “Utah.”

FAIR COMMENT

My wife and I were hik- ing along a Mogollon Rim trail, admiring the giant ponderosa pines and wildflowers, and occasionally catching sight of rabbits, squirrels, and even elk.

As we approached the end of the trail, we noticed the Forest Service had set up a little station for visitors to register their comments. I expressed my gratitude for the opportunity to enjoy a truly beautiful experience.

Then glancing through the book, I noticed an entry made in a small child's handwriting. It said, “Grandpa talks too much.”

ALL-INDIAN ROAD CREW

Years ago, when my son, David, was seven years old, we came upon a flagman and a road-construction crew while traveling through Arizona. All the crew members were Indians.

My son knew nothing of Indians except what he had seen in television Westerns, which generally depicted Indians as bad guys.

The flagman advised us to slow down because the road ahead was pretty rough. I thanked him and drove on.

As I was driving away, I said to my son, “Did you know that was an Indian?” He looked at me, his eyes got real big, and he said, “Do the rest of those guys know that?”

HIKING ADVENTURE

My boyfriend and I were Thiking the rugged trail to Hell's Gate Canyon, a heavily wooded and isolated area outside Payson, when we heard something in the brush about 40 feet away.

On closer inspection we could make out a large black animal pulling on the branches of a tree.

Not knowing much about bears, we were panicked. “Quick, leave your pack on the ground and climb that tree,” my boyfriend said.

While in the tree we wondered, “It must be hungry the way it's shaking that tree. Should we try to run? Can bears climb trees?” Finally, I said, “Go check it out because I don't want to stay up here all night.” Cautiously he climbed down and crept toward the bear.

Suddenly the animal turned around, looked my boyfriend right in the eye, and mooed.

TUCSON SLOWDOWN

My grandmother was driving down Golf Links Street complaining ceaselessly about how slowly everything moved in Tucson. But, despite her complaints, she herself was going five miles an hour less than the speed limit.

“Grandma,” I said, “do you know why this town is so slow?” “No, I haven't a clue,” she replied.

“Easy,” I said, “they're all behind you.”

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