Arizona Humor

rizona Humor_ HORSEMANSHIP WITHOUT WHEELS

Living in rural Arizona, most of my neighbors have horses, but the two horsemen I'll always remember were a couple of brothers about eight and 10 years old who always were on their shaggy ponies.

One afternoon I heard a commotion down the road and saw, emerging from a cloud of dust, my two little friends. One was riding his tired steed. A rope tied to his saddle horn led back to a wooden platform dragging behind the horse. On the platform sat his brother.

They smiled proudly from under their floppy hats.

As I tried to figure out what they were doing, one simply offered, "It had wheels when we left the house."

BOATMAN'S TALE

Glen Doster, an Arizona Game and Fish expert on endangered native fish, also is a licensed Colorado River boatman. He's run the river in just about everything from kayaks to pontoon boats. However, he's never actually been a boatman.

Maybe that's why he offered the following bit of wisdom with particular satisfaction: "What's the difference between a fairy tale and a boatman's tale?"

"I give up."

"A fairy tale begins, 'Once upon a time,' and ends, 'And they lived happily ever after.' A boatman's tale begins, 'So there I was,' and ends, 'And that's no bull."

MARITAL BLISS

Years ago my husband said, "If you don't marry me, I'll become a desert rat."

So I married him, and he became a barfly.

TRAVELING SYMPHONY

While I was general manager of The Phoenix Symphony orchestra in the 1960s, we received a Ford Foundation grant to schedule concerts in Arizona communities that normally could not afford them.

The late Jack Austin, owner of ABC Theatricals of Phoenix, transported our equipment to concert sites and served as stage manager.

He was as concerned as I about the size of the audience and checked frequently through the curtain to see how the hall was filling.

One balmy Sunday afternoon in February, the orchestra was scheduled to perform at a high school in Miami. As the audience began trickling into the auditorium, Jack began to fret. We both wondered if many people could be enticed indoors for a concert on such a beautiful day.

As the music director was about to go on stage to lead the 80-piece orchestra, I noticed Jack peering through the curtain for one last count.

"So how does the house look?" I asked.

Without taking his eyes from the opening in the curtain, he said, "Well, if they get unruly, we can whip 'em."

SIDEWALK GREETING

In 1926 I spent some time in the old mining town of Ray. My Uncle Jack was an engineer with the Ray Consolidated Copper Mining Co. and knew everybody in town.

One day I was walking down the street with him when the local undertaker approached. When he saw Uncle Jack, he said, "Hi, friend, how are you?"

"Oh, sure," Uncle Jack replied with a twinkle in his eye, "always full of business."

OUT BY 4:00 Р.М.

While I was growing up in Arizona my family often backpacked in the Grand Canyon, and most hikes included climbing the Bright Angel Trail.

My dad, ever the optimist, had a habit of walking behind the slowest members of our group to cheer them along.

Once, after breaking camp and heading up the trail, Dad announced, "We'll be out by 4:00 P.M."

But the last 4 1/2 miles were an uphill climb, and our friend, Sharon, began having a hard-er and harder time until she was nearly exhausted. At 4:00 she and my dad had nearly a mile to go.

But my dad paid no heed. "Well, Sharon," he said, "I told you we'd be out of the Can-yon by 4:00, and we made it. Now we're just walking to the car."

TO SUBMIT HUMOR

Send us a short note about your humorous experiences in Arizona, and we'll pay $75 for each one we publish.

We're looking for short stories, no more than 200 words, that deal with Arizona topics and have a humorous punch line.

Send them to Humor, Arizona Highways, 2039 W. Lewis Ave., Phoenix, AZ 85009. Please enclose your name, address, and telephone number with each submission. We'll notify those whose stories we intend to publish, but we cannot acknowledge or return unused submissions.