Arizona Humor

rizona Humor

MOVING TO ARIZONA On a vacation trip to Arizona, we realized the state had so much to offer our four children that we decided to sell our home in Illinois and move there. On breaking the news to one of our friends, she began immediately to warn us how unbearably hot it gets in Arizona, especially in the middle of summer.

I told her it wouldn't be so bad because we'd have a swimming pool in our yard. "Oh, yeah," she replied, "isn't that what they call parboiling?"

CURIOUS CHILD Shortly after we moved to Mesa from Ohio, a very agitated eight-year-old boy came to our front door and demanded, "Are you Catholics or Mormons?"

My wife said we were neither and asked why he wanted to know. The boy said he had asked our six-year-old son the same question and was told we were "Cincinnati Bengals."

THE RIGHT STUFF My wife and I have a running joke about her inability to distinguish right from left.

One time we were driving over the Hoover Dam and I slowed the car as we passed a splendid overlook.

"That's sure some view on the right," I said.

"It's pretty on my side, too," she replied.

SPECIAL DISCOUNTS While traveling through Arizona, we saw numerous signs at motels offering discounts to select groups, such as senior citizens or military personnel.

We stopped at one and inquired about the rate. The clerk said $45, then he rattled off a number of groups entitled to a discount.

None of the groups applied to me. "But I am left-handed," I quipped.

"That'll do," he replied. "Sign here."

ROOM FOR DESSERT While having dinner in a Phoenix restaurant with my six-year-old son, Sean, I told him he could not have any dessert unless he ate more of his meal.

He assured me he could eat no more, that he was "too stuffed."

But when my dessert arrived, he looked longingly at it and asked if he could have some.

"I thought you said you were stuffed," I reminded him.

"Well," he said, "my dinner stomach is full. But my dessert stomach is empty."

CANDID POLITICIAN Among the riches of Arizona are the colorful char acters who left their imprint on the state. Such a man was Dr. Benjamin Baker Moeur, who gave up a physician's practice in Tempe to serve two terms as governor in the early 1930s.

Moeur was known for his candor and his fiery retorts.

Once he is reported to have said to a young woman on the streets of Mesa: "Honey, you're getting better looking all the time."

"Thanks. Wish I could say the same for you."

"You could if you were as good a liar as I am," the governor responded.

RABBIT HUNTING Twice my husband has taken me rabbit hunting and twice we were unsuccessful.

Finally he agreed to take me a third time, but only if I promised not to use two expressions: "cute bunnies" and "poor little things."

FISHING LESSON One summer during the 1940s, I attempted to teach my six-year-old cousin to fish for trout in Christopher Creek under the Mogollon Rim.

I demonstrated how he could use grasshoppers from In a nearby meadow as bait for the fat rainbows and browns. Then I left him to fish upstream.

When I returned a half hour later, he was bawling like a calf. After calming him, I asked what was wrong.

Between sobs he said he'd only caught two.

"Two?" I replied. "That's great. I've only had one strike, and he got away."

He exploded into tears again.

"I don't mean trout," he cried. "I'm talking about grasshopers!"

UNNERVING SIGN We were showing friends Bob and Sally Gale and their playful seven-yearold daughter, Gilda, around southern Arizona. As we approached Nogales on the interstate, suddenly, from the backseat, Gilda Gale called out, "Stop the car. We can't go any farther!"

When we asked her why we couldn't proceed, she pointed to a road sign.

"See," she said, "it says No Gales."

TO SUBMIT HUMOR Send us a short note about your humorous experiences in Arizona, and we'll pay $75 for each one we publish.

We're looking for short stories, no more than 200 words, that deal with Arizona topics and have a humorous punch line.

Send them to Humor, Arizona Highways, 2039 W. Lewis Ave., Phoenix, AZ 85009. Please enclose your name, address, and telephone number with each submission.

We'll notify those whose stories we intend to publish, but we cannot acknowledge or return unused submissions.