Arizona Humor

Arizona Humor DRY WASH BRIDGE

Several years ago, the Pima County Board of Supervisors was considering building a bridge over a wash that carried water only two or three times a year. During the debate, an old cattleman in the audience stood up and exclaimed, "You fellers are crazy. I can spit halfway across that arroyo." The chairman pounded his gavel. "You're outta order, John." "I know it, dadgumit," the cattleman replied. "If I wasn't, I could spit clean across it." Morris F. Baughman Dallas, TX

WE CALL THEM DUDES

Several hands at the dude ranch helped the tenderfoot mount a horse for the first time. But as the animal started to move, it bucked, and in the process the horse got its hoof caught in the stirrup. Panicked, the tenderfoot leapt from the saddle. "If he's gettin' on, I'm gettin' off!" he bellowed. Herb Weinberg Colorado Springs, CO

GRAND CANYON HIKE

One spring day, I was resting at Indian Gardens before making the strenuous six-mile hike out of the Grand Canyon. At the picnic table next to mine was a couple in their mid-50s who were only now realizing the fix they had gotten themselves into. The wife was videotaping her husband walking around but at the same time speaking into the microphone to record her "last will and testament." and kids, if we don't make it out of here, the good jewelry is in the top drawer of the bureau. Keep it all. "Here comes your father. If only he makes it out, don't let him marry some bimbo." Tom Huntington Flagstaff

VACATION SANDWICH

Last February two friends and I arrived in Tucson from Baltimore for a vacation. We rented a car and decided to head to Tubac to do some sightseeing. Our first stop was for lunch at a small diner called Mom's. That's when we started our vacation mentality, taking forever to order a simple drink and sandwich by asking such questions as "Do you have decaf tea?" and "Can I have whole-wheat bread?" and stressing "No mayonnaise." By the time it was my turn to order, the proprietor was harried though still polite. Wanting to show that I was a frequent visitor and well acquainted with direct, easygoing Western ways, I ambled to the counter and ordered a Coke and a sandwich, announcing smugly that I liked mayo just fine. With that the fellow looked me straight in the eye and said, "Your sandwich doesn't come with mayonnaise." Susan S. Uhlig Baltimore, MD

RANCHING HAZARD

A rancher friend of mine was hauling cattle to auction in Tucson when he was stopped by a patrol car. There was so much manure on the license plate of the trailer he was pulling, the highway patrolman said, that he couldn't read the license number. The frustrated rancher replied, "Officer, what do you expect me to do? Put diapers on my cows?" Sally Sapo Tubac

FRONTIER SQUELCH

An Englishman visiting Tombstone in its heyday thoroughly enjoyed regaling the denizens of the Crystal Palace bar with tales of the Continent. Sidling up to a Tombstone old-timer, he displayed a coin with King George on it and said, "See the image of His Majesty on this coin? Well, he made my grandfather a lord." Not to be outdone, the oldtimer held up an Indian-head penny. "See this here Injun on this coin?" he said. "Well this Injun made my grandfather an angel." Ben T. Traywick Tombstone A few years ago I had a writing class with the late Edward Abbey, the well-known Arizona author and curmudgeon. One night the students got into a debate about objectivity and whether a writer truly can be open-minded. Abbey clearly was bored with the subject. "It's okay to have an open mind," he said. "Just make sure it isn't open on both ends." Andy Robinson Tucson

ADVICE TO WRITERS

One day at a display of cookie cutters in a Tucson store, I watched a mother ask her preschool-aged daughter to guess what each shape represented. The youngster did fine with "cactus," "coyote," and "boot." Then the mother held up a cutter in the shape of the United States and asked what it was. Without hesitation, the little girl exclaimed, "The weather." Doris Evans Tucson

MODERN EDUCATION FOOD GROUPS

While in Phoenix studying to become a nurse's aide, I did poorly on a nutrition test. Later, at a friend's house, I commented that I wasn't sure what the four major food groups were. Just then, my friend's fiveyear-old daughter, Marcy, said, "I know them: Safeway, Smith's, Albertsons, and Fry's." Ruth Burke PearceSend us a short note about your humorous experiences in Arizona, and we'll pay $75 for each one we publish. We're looking for short stories, no more than 200 words, that deal with Arizona topics and have a humorous punch line. Send them to Humor, Arizona Highways, 2039 W. Lewis Ave., Phoenix, AZ 85009. Please enclose your name, address, and telephone number with each submission. We'll notify those whose stories we intend to publish, but we cannot acknowledge or return unused submissions.

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