Arizona Humor

rizona Humor Reading Tutor

As a tutor for an organization dedicated to helping adults to read better, I sometimes offer my student material somewhat beyond his ability.

On one such occasion, I gave him a copy of the January '93 issue of Arizona Highways to look through, and he seemed interested in a story titled "The Bisbee Massacre." The first sentence read, "Six inept gunmen are gallows-bound after destroying five lives in an ill-conceived robbery."

I knew there were three words in that sentence with which he would not be familiar: "inept," "gallows," and "ill-conceived." I explained the first two and then asked if he could guess what "ill-conceived" meant.

He thought a moment, then said, "They don't know who the father is."

Dragon Diet

We were going to meet our grandchildren and their parents outside a restaurant with a 10-foot purple dragon in front.

When we got there, our daughter-in-law was asking if the youngsters knew what dragons eat.

Confidently, the four year old replied, "They eat dragonflies."

Ready to Ride

Speeding down U.S. Route 160 through the Navajo reservation with my kids tucked into the backseat, I noticed several men on a dirt road leading off into the slickrock desert.

Their horses were out of sight in a nearby trailer, but the men had put their saddles on the top rail of a metal gate in the barbed-wire fence that blocked off the side road.

They fussed with the saddles, undoubtedly getting them ready to put on the horses.

My son Noah stared owlishly at the riders as we flashed past.

A mile later he broke the silence.

"Is that what they mean by 'riding fences'?" he asked.

A Different Parting

While visiting a church in Willcox, I saw a small boy run up to his mother after Sunday school and ask, "Mama, does God have a comb?"

"Why do you ask that?" she replied.

"Because," he answered, "my teacher said that God parted the Red Sea."

Inquisitive Minds

While visiting my mother in Green Valley, Valley, Susan, our 11year-old daughter, kept pestering Grandma to find out how old she was. But Grandma wouldn't tell.

Later Susan came bursting into the room and announced, "Grandma, I know how old you are. You are 73."

Upon questioning, Susan confessed she had sneaked a peak at Grandma's driver's license. Then the girl asked, "Grandma, how come you got an F in sex?"

Elderly Singles

At a seniors trailer park near Yuma, the ratio of women to men was about eight to one. And some of those ladies were quite bold in their quest to replace their deceased mates. I observed one of these women who noticed a new resident sunning himself beside the pool. She rushed over to introduce herself.

"You're so pale; you must be new here," she said.

"Yes," he answered, "I've spent 40 years in a cold Minnesota prison, and I just got out."

"Oh, my, really? What were you in for?"

"I killed my wife."

"Oh!" she cried with joy on her face. "You're single!"

Creative Thinking

Some years ago, an Arizona Highways copy editor lay heavy praise on the editor who had discovered the answer to a difficult question worrying the department. (What it has long been lost.) Said the copy chief to the editor, "That was really seminal thinking on your part."

Responded the editor without cracking a smile, "I thought the seminals were a tribe in Florida."

Lifetime License

When our 22-year-old receptionist heard the Arizona Legislature was considering a lifetime driver's license, she was aghast.

"Who would want to have the same picture on their license for all of their lives?" she asked.

TO SUBMIT HUMOR

Send us a short note about your humorous experiences in Arizona, and we'll pay $75 for each one we publish.

We're looking for short stories, no more than 200 words, that deal with Arizona topics and have a humorous punch line.

Send them to Humor, Arizona Highways, 2039 W. Lewis Ave., Phoenix, AZ 85009. Please enclose your name, address, and telephone number with each submission.

We'll notify those whose stories we intend to publish, but we cannot acknowledge or return unused submissions.