Arizona Humor

rizona Humor Marshmallow Roast

During a family outing in the mountains, we stopped to roast hot dogs for supper. The sun was down by the time we started on the marshmallows, and our pony-tailed four-yearold daughter was intent on toasting a perfectly golden one.

But as soon as she poked the marshmallow onto the end of the stick, smoke from the coals blew into her eyes.

"Smoke follows beauty," her daddy exclaimed as she skirted the fire and wiggled between two older sisters.

That location was no better, however, as the fickle breezes still pushed the smoke in her direction.

She moved again and again, but each time the smoke followed her.

Finally, in frustration, she pleaded, "Would somebody ugly please roast my marshmallow?"

Cutting a Trip Short

While on vacation in Arizona to visit my wife's parents, we decided to drive to Tuzigoot National Monument. My fouryear-old son, bored with the trip, kept asking, "When are we going to get there?"

Exasperated, I finally told him, "When the fat lady sings."

My son leaned over to his grandmother and said, "Grandma, when I tell you to sing, sing."

You Could Wait Forever

People waiting in line at a Willcox drugstore were growing more and more impatient as a transaction between a harried clerk and a young woman seemed to be taking forever.

Finally, though, the woman paid her bill and turned to leave. Suddenly she stopped and turned back to the clerk, asking him to check to see if her photographs had returned from the developers.

The clerk poked through a small file looking for the photos as the people in line grew more and more surly. "No," the clerk said, "your photos have not arrived.

The girl looked downcast, then completely alleviated all the tension by looking up with a bright smile and saying, "Oh well, some day my prints will come."

Bitter Memories

Some visitors to our recreational vehicle park in Ajo were discussing senior citizen maladies. One complained of the onset of CRS syndrome.

"What's that?" another asked.

"You know. Can't Remember Squat," replied the first.

The second man nodded sympathetically then disappeared behind his rig. He returned a short time later with three round pellets in his hand.

"Here, try one," he said.

"What are they?"

"Memory pills."

So the first man bit into one.

"Argh!" he yelled. "These taste like rabbit droppings."

"See, your memory is improving already."

Grand Canyon Heights

Several years ago, I took a friend who was visiting from Virginia to the Grand Canyon.

Equally frightened of heights, we clung to one another as we peered carefully over the edge.

As we stood there quivering, my friend whispered, "Gee, it's such a long way down. I wonder how often people fall off."

"Just once," I replied.

Dieter's Delight

Recently, after a day of travelRing through the White Mountains in eastern Arizona with some Arizona Highways staff members, we stopped at a resort restaurant for dinner.

The mood was jovial at our table, and the witty banter quickly escalated into a competition for laughs.

When the waiter came to take our dessert orders, our diet-conscious editor quipped, "I'll have some of that no-calorie ice cream."

The waiter just smiled and nodded, and we laughed politely.

But when the waiter returned, he announced, "Your no-calorie ice cream, sir." Then he placed a spoon and an empty bowl in front of his wisecracking customer.

Observing Cattle

I thought it would be nice to take the "back way" to Flagstaff on our way to the Grand Canyon, so my 10-year-old son could see some of the sights Arizona is famous for.

When we passed a farm I exclaimed, "Look at all those cows!"

Being from New York and not used to seeing cattle of any kind, the boy was properly impressed.

Then he pointed to a cow lying down and asked, "Dad, is that ground beef?"

TO SUBMIT HUMOR

Send us a short note about your humorous experiences in Arizona, and we'll pay $75 for each one we publish.

We're looking for short stories, no more than 200 words, that deal with Arizona topics and have a humorous punch line.

Send them to Humor, Arizona Highways, 2039 W. Lewis Ave., Phoenix, AZ 85009. Please enclose your name, address, and telephone number with each submission.

We'll notify those whose stories we intend to publish, but we cannot acknowledge or return unused submissions.