Arizona Humor

rizona Humor Dry Longing

Sometimes it's hard for visitors to Arizona to realize that our dry riverbeds ever have water in them. But occasionally this regional skepticism goes the other way.

There was the time when a Tucson native journeyed to New York. After a few days, his host asked him how he liked the Hudson River.

"I don't know," said the Tucsonan. "Your dang river has been so full of water the whole time I've been here I haven't been able to get a good look at it."

A Special Meal

The old bachelor who lived on a homestead that joined our ranch in Cochise County was a good neighbor - friendly as a spotted pup-but as filthy in his housekeeping as he was sociable.

Once I happened to be riding by his place around noon, and he called to me to join him for lunch. Glancing around his cabin, I made excuses for needing to hurry along.

He obviously read my thoughts and told me quickly not to worry about whether his dishes were clean. He said they were as clean as soap and two waters could get them.

So, with that assurance, I re-laxed and joined him for fri-joles and bacon.

Then, as I arose to leave, he picked up the plates, put them on the floor, and went to the door to call his dogs. "Soap, Two Waters, come clean up these plates."

A Real Butcher

My mother was born in the Huachuca Mountains long before Arizona became a state. She occasionally commuted by horse-drawn wagon to Bisbee 35 miles away to shop or see a doctor.

After she grew up, she moved to Bisbee and married a miner.

Complaining of a sore throat one day, she went to the mining company's doctor. During the examination he commented that whoever had taken out her tonsils was a real butcher. He asked my mother who had done it.

"Why you did, doctor," she replied. "You did."

Friendly Visit

When I, a widow, visited my brother in Tucson last summer he took me to a friend's ranch.

There I met an attractive, unattached cowboy and told him he looked like my third husband.

He asked me how many times I had been married, and I replied, "Twice."

Early Arrival

A gas company crew laying pipe near Casa Grande had completed putting up a barricade of signs, lights, and cones to mark a trench that would remain open overnight. Suddenly, a car full of passengers came barreling through, knocking down the barricade and plunging into the ditch.

My son, the crew supervisor, ran over, opened the car door, and inquired, "Is everyone here all right?"

A voice from within answered, "I don't know. I just got here myself."

Bovine Puzzle

Many years ago, my wife, our seven-year-old son, and I were traveling on old Route 66 when we stopped at a northern Arizona restaurant with a decidedly Western decor.

As soon as we were seated, our son headed for the rest room, but returned almost immediately and whispered, "Dad, am I a bull or a heifer?"

Modern Mother Goose

At a Scottsdale preschool, a three-year-old child and I were saying Mother Goose rhymes together. At one point she stopped to correct my version with, "No, that's not the way it goes. It's, 'This little piggy when to Target."

Learning Ecology

A group of us were discussing the lumber industry and the environment. Our daughter, who likes to keep her children informed about current events, asked her six-year-old son, Coby, if he understood what we were talking about.

"Oh, yes," he said. "They had to quit cutting down trees because they spotted an owl."

TO SUBMIT HUMOR

Send us a short note about your humorous experiences in Arizona, and we'll pay $75 for each one we publish.

We're looking for short stories, no more than 200 words, that deal with Arizona topics and have a humorous punch line.

Send them to Humor, Arizona Highways, 2039 W. Lewis Ave., Phoenix, AZ 85009. Please enclose your name, address, and telephone number with each submission. We'll notify those whose stories we intend to publish, but we cannot acknowledge or return unused submissions.