Arizona Humor

While driving between Mesa and Glendale for the first time, we were in the carpool lane as we approached the Interstate 10 tunnel. As we entered the tunnel, my passenger suddenly let out a big sigh and put his hand over his face. "What's wrong?" I asked. "I'm getting carpool tunnel syndrome," he replied.

While watching her grandmother put cold cream all over her face before bedtime, our six-year-old granddaughter asked, "Why do you put that stuff all over your face?" "It's to keep my skin from wrinkling." After a brief pause the little girl observed, "It doesn't work, does it, Grandma?"

I was visiting an old rancher in Cochise County when a gusty wind blew my straw cowboy hat off my head. The rancher's straw hat never budged, so I asked him how he kept it on. "When I was as young as you," he said with a straight face, "I had the same problem. But when I got older, I realized I could just screw my hat onto my head, using the creases in my forehead."

Some Arizona streambeds are dry most of the time, flowing only after a heavy rain. As I drove across a bridge near Sun City, my eight-year-old granddaughter read the sign identifying it as New River and said, "You mean they're going to put a river there?"

My sister and I arrived at Sky Harbor International Airport in Phoenix in late June, 1990. The temperature was well above 100° F. Our Arizona friend met us at Terminal 2, and, after getting our baggage, we headed for the parking lot. "Well, the heat isn't so bad," I remarked. "I feel warm, but no worse than August in Pennsylvania." Our friend eyed me somewhat worriedly. "Honey," he said, "you are in big trouble. We haven't left the terminal yet, and it's air-conditioned."

We're visiting my 94year-old father's ranch and enjoying the clear Arizona air while sitting in the shade of the porch. His 50-year-old grandson, Nathan, sat down on the porch steps and said, "Grandpa, I need glasses." "Nonsense, son," father replied. "No one in our family has ever needed glasses." He got out of his rocking chair and went down the steps. "Come out here to the middle of the road and tell me what you see down by the mailbox."

Nathan looked toward the mailbox about a half mile away. "Well, sir, I see a dog." "What else?" Nathan squinted. "Why, it has only one eye." Father took another look. "Son," he said, "I guess you do need glasses. It's a dog all right, but it's going the other way."

We pulled next to a gasVoline pump in a small Arizona town and went immediately into the building to give the attendant our credit card. Amused, he looked at us holding out the card. "Where are you folks from?" he asked. "Los Angeles," my husband said. He nodded as if he had expected that answer. "Well," he said finally, "you just go ahead and fill your tank and pay me after." As we started back toward our car, he added, "And welcome back to America."

A teaching job in Oracle brought my family to Arizona in 1975. We came in a 1972 Pontiac Tempest pulling a U-Haul trailer. "Good job, car," I said as we pulled into town. Several weeks later, we decided to tour the area. The car did well until we came to a 12 percent grade. The car began to groan, moan, and resist. "C'mon, baby, you're in Arizona now," I coaxed. "You can do it." My nine-year-old son, Greg, retorted, "You should have got it Arizona plates, Dad."

TO SUBMIT HUMOR

Send us a short note about your humorous experiences in Arizona, and we'll pay $75 for each one we publish. We're looking for short stories, no more than 200 words, that deal with Arizona topics and have a humorous punch line. Send them to Humor, Arizona Highways, 2039 W. Lewis Ave., Phoenix, AZ 85009. Please enclose your name, address, and telephone number with each submission. We'll notify those whose stories we intend to publish, but we cannot acknowledge or return unused submissions.

Carpooling Problem Face Cream Hats Off Desert Rivers No Dry Heat Seeing-eye Dog Please Pay First Auto Persuasion