Arizona Humor

ARIZONA HUMOR Greenhorns

Several years ago, we moved to Show Low. My wife knew very little about country life, as she'd been raised in a big city. We had a large chest freezer and decided to fill it with beef. While I was at work one weekend, my wife and another cityraised friend went to an auction in Holbrook to bid on and split half a beef. There were hundreds of farmers, cowboys, and cattlemen present at the animal sale. Near the end of the auction, my wife and her friend successfully bid on a cow (it was rather old, but they didn't know the difference), and one old cowboy asked them if they'd like it hung for a week. The two women looked at each other, puzzled, and one finally asked, "Wouldn't it be easier to just shoot the poor thing?"

Miracle Pills

My wife and I take vitamins every day and have for many years. One morning at breakfast, my six-year-old granddaughter asked if I was sick. When I told her I was not, she asked what all the pills were for. Unable to resist putting on a show for her, I picked up one of the pills and popped it into my mouth, saying, "This one makes me strong." Then I took the next one, telling her, "This one makes me wise." Finally, I picked up the third pill, and announced, "I take one of these each day to make me handsome." After a pause she commented, "That last one doesn't work very well, does it?"

Lucky Hit

As our crew flew over northern Arizona at 35,000 feet, a young flight attendant came into the cockpit. "That's Flagstaff," the copilot said. "And over there is old U.S. Route 66, which ran from Chicago to Los Angeles. Now it's called Interstate 40. And east of Flag," he pointed ahead and to our right, "is Meteor Crater." "Oh," the young woman exclaimed, looking at the crater in the desert, "that's a huge hole!" "Yeah," the copilot continued, "a meteor hit the Earth over 55,000 years ago, killing all plant and animal life within 100 miles."

Studying the crater for a moment, the flight attendant said, "Good thing it didn't hit a few miles to the left." "Why's that?" asked the copilot. "Because," she said in all earnestness, "it would have wiped out Route 66."

Kid Trouble

My wife was working in one of the many gift shops along U.S. Route 66 in Holbrook when a man with several children in tow approached her busy counter. The usual chorus of "Daddy, I want this" was punctuated by a small hand that shot up over the counter and snatched a beaded toy. She was surprised and grateful as the father grabbed the small hand, saying wearily, "If I've told you once, I've told you a thousand times not to touch." He stopped abruptly, his face stricken, and said, "Good Lord, it's not my kid."

Yuma Bridge

After a peace treaty was signed between the United States government and an Arizona Indian tribe, the chief called a meeting of his warriors and said: "We must show the white man that we respect the treaty by creating a monument. We will build a great bridge symbolizing our new peaceful relations." So the warriors struck out upon the Yuma desert and built a huge bridge spanning the sandy floor. Then they asked their chief to appraise the wonderful achievement. But when he saw it, the chief was livid. "Why did you build the bridge across the desert?" he screamed at them. "What will the white man think? You must destroy this bridge at once." "But we can't," insisted one warrior. "Why not?" demanded the chief. "Because there are four white men on the bridge now trying to do some fishing."

Smart Farmer

Flagstaff residents of the 1930s will remember Dutch Hostetter, farmer, rancher, rodeo producer, and horse trader. "Just had my best year since I started raising beans," he announced to a group of us sitting around the potbellied stove at the rear of Billy Switzer's hardware store. "What did they fetch?" someone asked. "Darned if I know," Dutch replied. "This year I decided not to plant any."

TO SUBMIT HUMOR

Send us a short note about your humorous experiences in Arizona, and we'll pay $75 for each one we publish. We're looking for short stories, no more than 200 words, that deal with Arizona topics and have a humorous punch line. Send them to Humor, Arizona Highways, 2039 W. Lewis Ave., Phoenix, AZ 85009. Please enclose your name, address, and telephone number with each submission. We'll notify those whose stories we intend to publish, but we cannot acknowledge or return unused submissions.