Arizona Humor

Generally, You Ain't Learnin' Nothin' When Your Mouth Is A-jawin' MOVING WHERE?

When my wife and I first Vmoved from the East Coast to Arizona, we had to stop at the Phoenix airport and wait for a connecting flight to our new home in Yuma. While we were there, an old rancher waiting for relatives to arrive struck up a conversation. Eventually, he got around to asking where we were headed, and we told him. He gazed out the window and mused, "Yuma, that's some place. Eight months out of the year you feel like setting the world on fire, and the other four months you think you did."

QUICK CHANGE ARTISTS

Every summer thousands of tourists travel through Page to see Lake Powell and the surrounding landscape. And they have many questions.

One couple stopped at the visitor center where I worked to inquire about local wildlife. "We heard that elk live here," the man said, "but all we have seen so far are a few deer." When another employee ex-elevations, the woman responded, "Oh, I see. So, at what altitude do the deer turn into elk?"

ORNERY PATIENT

My dad, a ranch owner near Prescott, is a master storyteller. One of his favorites was about a good friend who was rolled on by a horse. While in the hospital, he was annoyed regularly by a cheery nurse.

One morning she came in and asked for a urine sample. When the nurse returned, the little cup was full of a cloudy liquid. He had filled it with the grapefruit juice from his breakfast tray.

"Well, we look a little cloudy this morning," said the nurse. "We do?" chirped the patient. He grabbed the cup and drank it down. "Well, let's just run it through again and see how it comes out."

A DUCKY IDEA

Late one fall, my friend Bud and I were trying to photograph migratory birds in Flagstaff, but we weren't having much luck. The birds flew away whenever we got close. We were ready to call it quits when an idea came to me.

"See those cows by the pond?" I asked Bud.

"Yes, what about them?"

"Well, the ducks aren't afraid of them," I told him.

"So," he replied, "I ain't no cow."

"No," I said, staring at the cows, "but you're going to be one."

That night I bought a cow-hide I'd seen hanging in a local leather shop. The next day, Bud looked skeptically at the hide, but agreed to give my idea a try. As we approached the pond, we slipped the hide over us, me in front and Bud behind. The ducks scarcely noticed the strange-looking cow creeping across the field. I'd started taking pictures through a small hole I'd cut in the hide when Bud started hitting me in the back.

"What's the matter, man?" I whispered. "Can't you see all those ducks?"

At this point, Bud was scrambling to get out from under the hide. "Forget about the ducks!"

Explained that elk live at higher

BUM STEER

On a cold, drizzly day, a number of cowboys were gathered at the sale barn just north of Prescott. The seats were filled with hardened cowhands in black Stetsons, faded jeans, and slickers.

A young steer born without a tail ran into the arena. Amid the murmur of humorous comments, one cowboy we sat with said in a low voice, "Couldn't wholesale that one." We chuckled politely, but didn't quite get the joke. Then he said dryly, "You'd have to retail it."

TO SUBMIT HUMOR

Send us a short note about your humorous experiences in Arizona, and we'll pay $75 for each one we publish.

We need short stories, no more than 200 words, that deal with Arizona topics and have a humorous punch line. Send them to Humor, Arizona Highways, 2039 W. Lewis Ave., Phoenix, AZ 85009. Please enclose your name, address, and telephone number with each submission. We'll notify those whose stories we intend to publish, but we cannot acknowledge or return unused submissions.