Arizona Humor

ARIZONA HUMOR Remember, Even a Kick in the Caboose Is a Step Forward DOWN A PEG

Phoenix is the home of the National Speakers Association, an organization that educates and promotes lecturers. Several years ago, I attended an NSA convention there. Platform performers are very proud of their profession, but several of us were humbled by a bartender at a local club that we visited. Being very friendly, he asked, "Are you folks from out of town?" Several were.

"What are you here for?" he asked.

"A speaker's convention," we answered proudly.

"Oh really?" he asked. "Car or stereo?"

DINOSAUR TRACKS

Having recently moved to Tuba City, our family began exploring the area surrounding our new town. Near a roadside turnout one day, we found some dinosaur tracks that led toward the highway, where they abruptly ended.

We overheard Amy, our observant three-year-old daughter, tell her brother, "The dinosaur forgot to look both ways."

STRINGENT TEST

A highway patrolman in Tucson approached a car he had pulled over for speeding. Inside he noticed an incredible assortment of knives, daggers, machetes, and swords of various shapes and sizes. Curiosity compelled the patrolman to ask why all the weapons, and suspicion made him doubtful about the man's answer. "I'm a juggler," he responded.

So the patrolman asked for a demonstration.

A motorist stopped at a light witnessed the flashing blades and exclaimed, "Boy am I glad I haven't had anything to drink. I'd never be able to pass that sobriety test."

KNOWS WHERE HE'S GOING

On a recent flight into Tucson, I was standing in the back of the airplane, waiting to use the rest room when a boy about four years old came strolling back. Jokingly, a flight attendant asked him, "Where do you think you're going?"

"Arizona," the lad responded. After we had a good laugh, the attendant said, "No, I mean where are you going right now?"

The youngster looked puzzled for a few seconds and finally replied, "I'm still going to Arizona."

SMART KIDS

My father was fond of telling my two sons wild and woolly tales of his early days in Arizona, and he assumed they were believing them. Some time after my father died, the boys and I were driving through Wickenburg, and I told them the legend of the Hassayampa River: Once you drink from its waters, you can never tell the truth again.

There was silence for a time, then my 12 year old sighed and said, "Grandpa must have fallen in."

TOWN JOKER

My wife and I were snacking in one of Prescott's Whiskey Row taverns within earshot of the chatter along the bar. One fancily dressed dude kept laughing loudest at his own "jokes."

Finally a fellow three stools down leaned forward and said, "Hey, buddy, you ought to be on the stage."

"Really?" the dude replied, obviously pleased.

"Yeah, the one leaving town in half an hour."

DESERT RIVER

My nine-year-old grandson's first visit from New York City occurred during the dry season. While we were out one day, we drove over the New River bridge on Olive Avenue.

"Wow, Grandpa, look at that. New River. It's so new they haven't put water in it yet."

TO SUBMIT HUMOR

Send us a short note about your humorous experiences in Arizona, and we'll pay $75 for each one we publish.

We need short stories, no more than 200 words, that deal with Arizona topics and have a humorous punch line.

Send them to Humor, Arizona Highways, 2039 W. Lewis Ave., Phoenix, AZ 85009. Please enclose your name, address, and telephone number with each submission.

We'll notify those whose stories we intend to publish, but we cannot acknowledge or return unused submissions.