Wit Stop

If You Hide Those Edible Gifts, You Can Have Christmas All Year 'Round

You've probably often heard people express the wish that Christmas would last all year long. My wife has found a way to make that happen. She hides my Christmas gifts.

The personal items like ties and socks and razors she doesn't hide. But the edible goodies that are sent to the family she hoards. She stashes them in different hiding places around the house like a squirrel storing goodies for the non-holiday season.

Once we were celebrating our anniversary with a fine candlelit dinner at home. For dessert, my wife served a very festive something or other. I asked, "What's this?"

She said, "I don't know."

I said, "You're serving me food that you can't identify?"

"Someone gave it to us for Christmas, and I put it in the freezer."

Our anniversary is in October.

We're probably the only couple who bring fruitcake to the Fourth of July picnic. Fruitcake and fireworks don't normally go together, so I asked about it again.

My wife said, "Someone gave this to us for Christmas, so 1 put it away for later."

"Why?" I asked.

She explained, "If I didn't put it away, you would eat it."

What a terrible thing to do to a fruitcake.

She said, "You know what I mean. You'd eat it right away."

What a terrible thing to do to a fruitcake.

She said, "You know what I mean. You'd scarf it all down over the holidays, and we'd have none left for later."

Part of the holiday fun is eating holiday food. I like Christmas food at Christmastime, not to munch on while I'm watching the St. Patrick's Day parade.

Hiding Yuletide goodies is like buying jelly beans for Easter and then storing them away until Labor Day (which she also does).

She says, "It's not good for you to eat all that rich food in such a short time."

It's not like I'm excessively overweight. Like most Americans, I'm just overweight enough so that none of my good clothes fit.

I said, "When trick or treaters come to our door, you give them candy, don't you?"

She said, "Of course. It's Halloween."

I said, "You don't tell them you'll put something in the freezer for them, and you'll give it to them if they come back sometime around March."

She said, "No."

I said, "Then why do I get Christmas gifts in August?"

She said, "Because most trick or treaters are more mature than you."

She has a point. Squirreling away these gifts, though, can get me in trouble. Not too long ago, I spoke to my brother who called from the East Coast. After I hung up, my wife said, "Did you ever thank him for his Christmas gift?"

I said, "I didn't know he sent a Christmas gift."

She said, "He sends a gift every year."

I said, "I never knew that."

"Yeah. He sends a tin of chocolate-covered pretzels."

"Really? I love chocolate-covered pretzels. Where are they?"

My wife said, "I put them away."

"Where'd you put them?" I said. "I'd love to taste them."

"They're all gone."

"Where'd they go?"

"I ate them."

I said, "How come you ate them, and I never even got to see them?"

She said, "If you knew where they were, you'd eat them all in a few days. I only eat one occasionally."

I said, "You ate one often enough so that they're all gone."

"He'll send some more next Christmas. Unless he's angry at you for not thanking him, and I wouldn't blame him."

"How can I thank him for the pretzels when I never knew that they even existed?"

"You could just say, 'Your Christmas gift was delicious.'"

"Suppose I say that one year, and he thinks I'm nuts because he sent me a dozen golf balls?"

She said, "Don't be silly. I wouldn't put golf balls away. You can't eat them."

I said, "I didn't get to eat the pretzels, either."

I have no idea what other goodies friends and relatives might have baked or bought and sent to me for Christmas. This column is a belated thankyou for all of them. I enjoyed them or would have enjoyed them if I had known where they were to be enjoyed.

And through this column, I'd also like to take decisive action about next year's gifts. If you plan to send me anything delicious next Christmas, please make sure it beeps, buzzes, or glows in the dark.