WIT STOP

How to Retrain a K9 Delinquent after You've Let Him Take Over Your Household

There are plenty of kennel clubs throughout Ari-Lzona. There's Superstition K.C., Cochina K.C., the Scotts-dale Dog Fanciers, and clubs in Prescott, Flagstaff, and I'm sure other spots across the state. Most of them sponsor local dog shows which are fantastic sport-ing events worth attending. Also, these clubs teach people how to buy, care for, and love a dog. When we were selecting a puppy, my wife and I followed the advice we read in an article written by an expert. “Pick the friskiest puppy from the litter,” he suggested. “That way you know you'll be getting a playful pooch and one who is healthy and friendly.” What the article didn't tell us was that “frisky” at the breed-er's pens converts to “anarchy” when you get the animal home. “Frisky” means independent, irresponsible. “Frisky” means “You don't own me, folks; I own you. You may be the mas-ter and mistress, but I'm defi-nitely the boss.”We opted for play-ful and friendly; we got a canine delinquent. And a seemingly incorrigible one at that.

Our authority meant nothing to this cuddly but catas-trophic critter. “Sit” to this dog meant “Run around the house like a banshee.” “Stay” meant “Run around the house like a banshee.” “Come” meant “Grab something valuable, run around the house like a banshee, then settle down and quietly chew it to pieces.” My wife issued an ultimatum: “Either that dog goes or I go.” I offered a compromise. “Why don't we try a dog trainer?” So we looked through the papers the dog wasn't using them anyway for a qualified trainer.

When the trainer arrived and met our mischievous mutt, it was love at first sight. The dog wagged her tail, licked his face, jumped up, and pawed at him. He in turn petted her, hugged her, and fluffed up her coat. Of course, they had something in common both of them were costing us a fortune. Him in fees and her in property damage.

The first training he did was on us. He sat the entire family down at the kitchen table and lectured us. “No one should ever hit this dog,” he told us. We all agreed with that.

“This is a good dog,” he said. My wife said, “The drapes were good, too.” She wanted this man to know that she had a chip on her shoulder. This was no mere obedience school; it was a grudge match.

“This dog wants to be your best friend,” he told us.

My wife agreed with that in principle. The question was: Was she going to be a live-in friend or a pen pal?

When we were sufficiently indoctrinated and educated, he began the actual training. “We will start by teaching the dog not to run out when the door is open. That way you won't lose the dog.” My wife fought back a snicker.

The trainer slipped a choke chain around the dog's neck and told all ofus to go out and stand on the lawn. He opened the door and invited our dog outside. She was thrilled. She bolted out the open door, and he immediately yanked on the choke chain and hollered “No!” us to go out and stand on the lawn. He opened the door and invited our dog outside. She was thrilled. She bolted out the open door, and he immediately yanked on the choke chain and hollered “No!” The man should have advertised himself as a “dog train-er/exterminator” because if we had had termites in the house, his “No!” would have scared all of them to death.

It almost did us. Our knees shook in family unison as we stood on the lawn, his bellowed “No!” still reverberating through our innards. I stood there on the lawn with my tail between my legs. Well, I don't actually have a tail, but if I had one I felt that I would have had it between my legs at that time. I just had the feeling that that's where a tail belonged. We were terrified, and we actually felt sorry for our poor puppy. She was attached to this man by a chain.

He repeated this lesson three, four, or more times. I don't know exactly. It's hard to count accurately when your limbs are trembling and your heart is beating irregularly.

Bless him, though, the lessons worked. Our dog is a model citizen now. She sits when told. She won't leave the house unless invited. She obeys our every command. She'll do any-thing to keep that man from coming back.

As the head of the household, I got an added benefit. If my son asks if he can use the car for the night or if my daughters ask if it's all right if they stay out a little past their deadlines on dates, I just yell “No!” as loud as I can. They immediately go out and stand trembling on the front lawn until I pat them on the head and tell them that everything is all right.

FLOWER POWER

Presenting two handy guides to assist the amateur horticulture enthusiast in identifying and exploring the plant life of Arizona's Sonoran Desert

DESERT WILDFLOWERS Third Edition

This full-color, informative guide references more than 60 species of Arizona's desert wildflowers. Discover the best spots for "wildflower watching" and learn how to grow these vibrant yet delicate plants in your home garden. 112 pages. Softcover.

#AZFS7 $10.95 (plus shipping and handling)

ALL ABOUT SAGUAROS Second Edition

The majestic saguaro cactus is an internationally recognized icon symbolizing the Southwest, holds great significance for Native American cultures, provides food and shelter for desert animals, and blooms with Arizona's state flower. In this book from Arizona Highways you learn all about this silent sentinel of the desert, a huge wonder that springs from a tiny seed. 64 pages. Softcover.

#AASS6 $10.95 (plus shipping and handling) TO ORDER: Use the attached card or call toll-free nationwide, 1-800-543-5432. In the Phoenix area or outside the U.S., call 602-258-1000. Or fax to 602-254-4505. Visit us at http://www.arizhwys.com to order online.