WIT STOP

How I Survived a Close Encounter with a Volkswagen-size Spider

Arizona has diversified flora and fauna - from the low desert to the alpine zone. The flora is all gorgeous, each in its own way. Some of the fauna, though, when you meet it up close and personal, can be terrifying, especially when you're not expecting the meeting.

I had a close encounter with a gigantic arachnid the other day. I had parked my car in the driveway and turned to walk along the pathway to my house. This giant spider was smack in the middle of that pathway.

Simply the immensity of it gave me pause. This beast looked like a Volkswagen with legs where the wheels should be. When I first saw it, I looked to see if it had out-of-state license plates. It was larger than the room I lived in during my college years.

All right, I'll stop exaggerating. Honestly, this creature measured a full five inches from the tip of its whatever is at the frontmost part of a spider to the bottom of its whatever is at the hindmost part of a spider. To an old city dweller like me, that's huge. To a younger person, that's "humongous."

It stood defiantly in the walkway, challenging me. It showed no inclination to back down. I don't know much about spiders. But if they have a face, this one had a mean look on his or her face. If they don't have a face, it had a sinister snarl on whatever they use in place of a face.

My mom always told me when I was young, "Never kill a spider in the house. It's bad luck." I hoped that this critter's mother had taught him or her a similar philosophy: "Don't ever attack a human being outof-doors. It's bad luck." However, I couldn't be sure what sort of upbringing this animal had so I was forced to play it safe.

My first thought was to tiptoe around it without disturbing it or provoking a skirmish. I sensed, though, that it wouldn't be amenable to that. It just didn't look like it wanted to let me by. I feared if I tried that maneuver, it might attack, overpower, and devour me. Those of us who watch the nature shows on television have seen spiders consuming their prey. It's not an appealing demise.

I deduced that I had only a fight or flight option. If I chose flight, where would I run to? This was my house. So I did what most men would do in a comparable dilemma - I assumed a pose that implied I was trained in karate.

As I stood there in this moronic posture, I realized how futile this ploy was. This trick was so hackneyed that it didn't fool anyone Anymore, but it was especially dumb against an animal who probably never heard of the martial arts. Like, how many spiders go to Jean Claude Van Damme movies?

So I stared at the creature who stared back at me. Neither of us would advance and nei-ther would yield. We were like Western gunfighters each waiting for the other to make the first subtle move. The spider, I knew, was eager for me to start the action so he or she could Then destroy me. I could almost hear its tiny little spider brain saying silently, "C'mon, human, make my day." Like spiders don't go to Van Damme movies, but they go to Clint Eastwood films.

Me, I was too terrified to make the first move.

Then, thankfully, my wife came out the front door. She saw me but didn't notice the gargantuan arachnid. She said, "What are you doing? I heard your car pull up minutes ago."

I tried to say to her, "Come here," but I couldn't get the words out. All I could manage was, "C-c-c-c..."

She said, "Ketchup? You want ketchup? What do you want ketchup for?"

I shook my head no and tried again. "C-c-c-c..."

She said, "Oh my goodness, you're choking on a chicken bone."

I shook that off, too. I've got a killer spider threatening my life, and my spouse and I are playing charades. I motioned with my hand for her to come toward me while I kept repeating, "C-c-c-c..." She finally got the idea and came close enough to see the killer spider.

She waved the bottom of her apron at it and said, "Shoo."

The frightened spider scurried away to safety under the bushes that framed our walkway. My wife turned and walked calmly toward the house.

I followed saying, "Aw, honey, you scared it away, and I wanted to catch it and show it to the children."

She said, "Sure."

She knew she had saved my life.

And somewhere that spider was having dinner with his or her family gathered around and telling them the colorful tale: "I ran into a human being today. I swear he looked as fierce as sin, and he was about the size of Rhode Island."