ARIZONA HUMOR

humor: WILLOUGHBY'S WEST Quick Thinking

An Arizona farmer went to the country doctor for a physical examination. The doctor found him fit and pronounced him healthy. But as the farmer left the doctor's office, he dropped dead outside the front door. The nurse ran in and said excitedly, "That man you just examined died on his way out. What shall we do?" "Quick," the doctor replied, "go out there and turn him around so it looks like he was coming in."

Busy Day

While driving across Arizona, my father stopped for gas and a drink in Sunflower. The day was hot and lazy, and as Dad stepped into the station he saw a man reclining in a chair with his feet up on the counter. "How're you doin'?" my father asked. "Well," came the slow reply, "I got up this mornin' with nothin' to do. Now here it is noon, and I've got it half done."

Overexposed

An older fellow was eyeing some scantily clad bathing beauties gathered around a Tempe hotel pool. He was quiet for a bit, then shook his head and murmured, "If Eve were here now, she'd be overdressed in her fig leaf."

Positive I.D.

On my five-year-old daughter Andrea's first day of kindergarten, she and I stood chatting with other parents and children as we all waited for school to begin. While talking to another mother about our girls, I discovered Andrea and her daughter, Claire, were born at Tucson Medical Center one day apart. Both babies were likely in the nursery at the same time.

I turned to Andrea and said, "Honey, you and this little girl, Claire, were born together at the same hospital. You probably slept right next to each other."

Andrea gave Claire a good long look. "You know," she said, "I knew I'd seen that face before."

New Rancher

"Howdy, pardner," said the grizzled prospector to the urbanite sitting next to him in the saloon. "What brings you to these parts?" "Well, to tell the truth, my mother decided that her sons were getting soft living Back East, so she bought us a spread outside of town for a cattle ranch." "Oh yeah? What's the name of your ranch?" asked the old-timer. "Now that's an interesting story. I was partial to the name Circle B. My wife wanted to call it the Bar Q. My older brother favored the Double M, but his wife liked the Cross T. My younger brother insisted we call it the Circle A Bar X, but his wife suggested the Lost Dutchman. We finally settled on a compromise to keep everybody happy and named the ranch the Circle B Bar Q Double M Cross T Circle A Bar X Lost Dutchman Cattle Ranch Inc." "Wow, that's quite a name you got there, son. Tell me, how many head o' cattle ya got out there?" "We don't have any, actually. So far, none of them have survived the branding."

A Dry Land

My husband and I stood on our front porch one evening and watched the storm clouds gather. Attempting to think of the word "virga," I asked him, "What is it called when it rains, but the rain doesn't reach the ground?" My husband, a true desert dweller, sighed and replied, "A pity."

TO SUBMIT HUMOR

Send us an original short story, no more than 200 words, about your humorous experiences, and we'll pay $75 for each one we publish. Send them to Humor, Arizona Highways, 2039 W. Lewis Ave., Phoenix, AZ 85009. Please enclose your name, address, and telephone number with each submission. We'll notify those whose stories we intend to publish, but we cannot acknowledge or return unused submissions.The cowboy saying at the top of the page is from the Arizona Highways humor book Cow Pie Ain't No Dish You Take to the County Fair. To order call toll-free (800) 543-5432. The book costs $6.95 plus shipping and handling.