ARIZONA HUMOR

humor:

The psychologist told the cowboy that quitting the wide-open spaces would leave him de-ranged

Flower Treats

We live in southwestern Arizona and have enjoyed raising desert tortoises as pets for many years. Long ago we discovered that the tortoises love to eat the red flowers of hibiscus plants; our kids pick the flowers and give them to the turtles as snacks. One Easter at her grandparents' house, our young daughter came in from the backyard a bit discouraged. She asked for some help in feeding the turtles. I was a little busy, so I told her to pick some hibiscus flowers for them. "I can't reach the high biscuits," she complained. "And I've already picked all the low biscuits."

Simple Solution

Our six-year-old granddaughter, Jamie, enjoyed vacationing with us in California for a week. She splashed in the Pacific, chased seagulls, and built sand castles on the beach. Not surprisingly, the return drive to Tucson seemed dull by comparison, and Jamie became bored. "Are we almost there?" came the plaintive wail, over and over. Mercifully, near Yuma, her question changed to "How long before we get to Tucson?" "Well," I said, "do you remember how long it takes to watch one of your movies in the VCR?" "Which movie?" "Mary Poppins." After a moment of quiet thought, Jamie directed her next question to the driver. "Grandfather, could you put it on fast forward for me?"

Know Your Neighbor

On my first trip to Arizona in 1938, I parked my 1930 Model A Ford, entered a small cafe, and took a seat. The cook smiled readily and asked where I was from. I told him I was from New Jersey. "Seems like I know a feller from Atlantic City," he mused. "Think you might know him?" "No, that's more than one hundred miles from where I live," I replied, somewhat tartly. He gave me a sad look and turned back to his cooking. "You Easterners ain't too neighborly, are ya'?"

Flowing River

My friend, a resident of Phoenix for more than 30 years, was driving home from the airport after picking up his grandchildren, who'd arrived from Minnesota. Heavy winter rains that year left the usually dry Salt River flowing from bank to bank. He grew excited as they crossed the freeway bridge over the river, and said, "Look kids!

The river is full of water." "Oh, Grandpa," one replied. "Rivers are made of water." "Not around here," he grumbled.

Yes, They're Tourists

One Thanksgiving while shopping at a fruit stand along Baseline Road in Phoenix, I overheard a couple from Back East admiring the chile pepper ristras that hung between boxes of fruit. Then the woman reached her hand up to touch one and drew it back rather quickly. She turned to the man and whispered, "Let's go somewhere else. These look nice, but they're too old. Feel them. They're all dried up."

Say That Again

My wife, Elsa, who worked for years in a Sedona jewelry store, was used to getting strange questions from tourists. One day a visitor inquired, "How far up the mountains is it where the deer turn into elk?"

TO SUBMIT HUMOR

Send us an original short story, no more than 200 words, about your humorous experiences, and we'll pay $75 for each one we publish. Send them to Humor, Arizona Highways, 2039 W. Lewis Ave., Phoenix, AZ 85009. Please enclose your name, address, and telephone number with each submission. We'll notify those whose stories we intend to publish, but we cannot acknowledge or return unused submissions.