ARIZONA HUMOR

humor: Tapping the Barrel

Ivolunteer naturalist at Saguaro National Park in Tucson, conducting nature walks for tourists while sharing the history of local flora and fauna. Many people have heard that thirsty desert travelers can obtain water from cactuses, and they frequently ask if that's true, and which cactus to use.

One day a small gray-haired woman made such an inquiry. I told her there was some truth to the stories and that we'd soon see the cactus in question.

Shortly we reached the barrel cactus, and I informed her that this was the cactus she sought. I told the group that moisture can be obtained by chewing the pulp. I also warned them of the toxic qualities of other cactuses and noted that even the barrel may be harmful to humans.

The gray-haired woman hadn't heard a word I'd said. She concentrated on the prickly denizen, eyeing it from top to bottom. Just as I stopped talking, she looked at me deadpan and asked, "Where do you turn it on?"

Shifting Traffic

During one holiday season, four of us squeezed through Metrocenter mall in Phoenix along with thousands of other holiday shoppers, looking for Christmas gifts. My friend Jim, a large man, stood crammed with other shoppers in a small art shop. While he waited at the counter, his pager began to beep.

An observant boy behind him noticed this. Without a second thought, the little boy tugged on his mother's hand, looked up, and said, "Be careful, Mom. He's backing up."

Newlywed Woes

When I lived in Phoenix, a newly married friend of mine remarked one morning that the rainstorm the night before had knocked out his electricity.

"Even worse," my friend lamented, "I had to take my wife out to dinner, and it cost me a small fortune."

"But I thought you had a gas range," I said.

"Yes, we do," he replied dismally. "But we have an electric can opener."

Delayed En Route

Our young friends, who recently moved to Mesa, called us in Surprise and said they would be right over to show us their new daughter. Two hours later they still hadn't arrived, and we were concerned, knowing the drive takes only 45 minutes.

When they finally showed up, we oohed and ahhed over the baby, and then my husband asked, "What took you so long?"

The father said the doctor told him he had a low sperm count.

Embarrassment Enough

When my son was little we lived in Eagar, a town so small that every day we walked to the post office for our mail.

One winter day it snowed and the ground froze, so instead of walking I drove. When we arrived at the post office, it looked like the whole town was already there. So I parked across the street, and we walked across the slippery road.

As I stepped onto the sidewalk, I slipped. I battled for traction but still managed to fall three or four times in front of my amazed audience before crashing into the street. Numerous people tried to help me, but I was young and horribly humiliated and just brushed them aside.

I clambered to my feet, grabbed my frightened son, and walked with all the dignity I could muster past the now silent spectators.

I didn't stop until we'd walked all the way home, only to realize when we got there that my keys were still in my car, parked across from the post office.

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