WIT STOP

All the World's a Stage, and Cactuses...er... Cacti -Those Spiky Things - Merely Players

It's interesting driving into Arizona's Sonoran Desert. The saguaros seem to entice you in. First you spot an isolated saguaro or two. Then you spot clumps of them. Soon they dominate the landscape. On a recent motor trip along Interstate 10, my wife commented on them. "Aren't the saguaro cactuses beautiful?" "Yes," I said.She asked, "Do you use 'cactuses' or 'cacti'?"

I told her, "I don't use either."

She said, "Well, if you see three beautiful saguaros in the desert, and you want to write about it, how do you say it?"

I say, "I saw a beautiful cactus today. And right next to it were two more just like it."

She said, "Well, I say 'cactus-es,' and I love them. I find them very entertaining as I drive along. It's almost as if they were actors out there in the sand putting on a little play for us."

I said, "Do you want me to drive for a while?"

She said, "No, I mean it. For instance, look at that one over there. Do you see it?"

There were hundreds of cactuses in the area she had indicated. Or to be grammatically evasive, there was one cactus over there and 99 others just like it. I said, "Which one?"

She said, "The one with its two arms raised heavenward."

They all seemed to have two arms raised heavenward, but I said, "Yeah, I see it."

She said, "It looks just like a Jesuit reciting his morning prayers."

I said, "Are you sure you don't want me to drive for a while?" I had seen in some John Wayne movies how the desert sun can drive you insane.

She said, "Doesn't it look like a Jesuit praying?"

I said, "No."

She said, "It does."

I said, "First of all, priests wear long black robes not green robes with sharp needles sticking out all over them. Second, it's now 3:30 in the afternoon, why is he saying his morning prayers? Third, why is he a Jesuit?"

My wife said, "Just because it makes the image more vivid. Use your imagination. C'mon, you pick out a cactus and tell me what you see."

I said, "Ok. See that big clump over there on the right?"

She said, "Yeah."

I said, "That's a group of Benedictine monks.' She said, "Now you've got it. And what are they doing?"

I said, "They're all saying, 'Let's go get that Jesuit for invading our turf.'"

She said, "Honestly, now. You're just being a wise guy. C'mon, play along with me."

She pointed out another interesting saguaro. "Over there," she said. "There's one with his two arms out and pointing downward."

"Yeah? What's that?" I asked, trying to sound as if I cared.

She said, "That's an umpire in a baseball game. It's a close game, the runner is trying to score, and that saguaro is the home plate umpire who's calling him 'out.'"

I said, "That's interesting."

She said, "Then you can visualize it?"

I said, "Sure. But I'll tell you who I really feel sorry for."

She asked, "Who?"

I said, "The poor baseball player who had to slide into home in a field full of spiky things. That poor boy will be pulling thorns out of his bottom from now until the World Series is over."

My wife said, "You have absolutely no soul, do you know that? There is a beautiful pageant being played out there in the desert, and you're refusing to see it."

I said, "I see gorgeous plants and flowers, but I don't see praying priests who might be knocked over by baseball players sliding through their monastery."

She wouldn't surrender. "Look at that tall, straight saguaro over there. Again, most of them were tall and straight.

She said, "His arm is bent up and back toward his head."

I said, "Yeah." No enthusiasm.

She said, "He's a soldier blow-ing taps for his fallen comrades. It's very touching."

I ruined the moment by pointing out that the 'soldier' had no 'bugle' in his 'hand' and also by noting that in all of history there has never been a war in which saguaros were drafted into the military.

My wife said, "Do you know there's a theory about the brain that the left side is used for practical things like doing math and thinking logically?"

I said I didn't know much about it, but I'd heard the idea.

She said, "And the right side of the brain is for imagination, creativity. It's where daydreams and fantasies flourish."

I said, "Yeah?" knowing more was coming.

She said, "Some people use the right side of their brain and some the left."

"So?" I said.

She said, "I think you use the crack that runs down the middle of them."

We didn't play any more games for the rest of that trip. But I must confess that as I looked out the window, many of the saguaros appeared to be holding their sides and laughing at me.