ARIZONA HUMOR

humor:

People who live in glass houses should get someone else to build their privies

She Picked a Winner

In Sierra Vista, the site of Fort Huachuca, a newly married Army wife was registering for some college courses when an admissions counselor asked her if she'd picked a major.

"No," she replied jokingly, "he's just made sergeant."

Taco Shells

When I moved to Arizona after retiring from teaching in Oregon, I occasionally filled in as a substitute teacher. One day while on recess duty, I watched some little girls jump rope. They chanted the same little ditties I used to chant, but I noticed one had been modernized a bit: "Mary, Mary, quite contrary, how does your garden grow? With silver bells and taco shells, and pretty maids all in a row."

Early Bird

One morning while vacationing in Tucson, my girlfriend asked me to go to the supermarket, though she knew how I hated crowded stores.

When I got to the market, there was only one other car in the parking lot, and I thought, "Wow, this will be a breeze." I walked in through the propped-open doors, greeted the bread man and the pretzel man with friendly smiles, and searched through the aisles, still unable to believe my good fortune.

As I unloaded my selections on the counter, the smiling cashier walked over. "This is unbelievable," I remarked to her. "No crowd. No lines. When do all your customers start pouring in?"

"Oh, in about 45 minutes," she replied. "When we open."

Cattle Barons

Some very good friends of my family moved to the Tonto Basin area after living in the city most of their lives. They had dreamed of owning a small ranch, and now they began building it piece by piece.

First came the barn, then stables. Then they cleared space for a pasture and prepared to receive 15 young steers. Running out of time, they set up a temporary electric fence to contain their new herd. But our friends were inexperienced with both cattle's roaming instincts and the inadequate nature of temporary fencing. One night, all 15 head of cattle disappeared.

When our friends woke and discovered what happened, they enlisted the help of their neighbors in the retrieval of the herd.

Karen, one of our embarrassed friends, lamented to a neighbor, "Yesterday we were cattle barons."

"Yes," the neighbor replied, "and today it looks like you're barren of cattle."

For her birthday, my father gave her a small terra-cotta pot crowded with several small cactuses. She was delighted, and when a family friend asked what gifts she'd received, she jubilantly shouted to the visitor's dismay, "My daddy got me lots and lots of cigars."

Clued In

Perhaps it's in the gene pool after three generations in the Arizona sun, but my mother loves to work crossword puzzles so much that when she dies she wants her epitaph to read "Six Down."

Lucky Batter

I own and operate a barbershop in Bullhead City. One day a boy about eight years old came in wearing his Little League baseball uniform. As I cut his hair, I asked if he'd ever hit a home run, and he said he had, once. So I asked him if he'd hit a fastball or curveball, and he answered, "Gee, I really don't know. I had my eyes shut."

Unusual Gift

When my younger sister was about three years old, she was fascinated by the saguaro cactuses that grow profusely around Tucson. In her baby way, she pronounced their name "cigars."

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