ARIZONA HUMOR

humor:

Life in the West Taught a seven-day photo workshop in Monument Valley, and at night we huddled around the campfire in the cool autumn air, sharing songs and stories. On the third night, one of my charges complained about muscle soreness, sunburn, chafing, and sand in her eyes.

"If I had known the West was going to be like this, I might not have come," she declared.

Whereupon a gentleman from Essex, England, replied in his driest British manner, "Darling, why do you think they call this the 'Wild West' and not the 'slightly inconvenient West'?"

Weather Conditions The clouds opened the day my wife and I visited Canyon de Chelly, but we were issued rain gear and our tour continued. After a few hours, we noticed that the creek that runs through the canyon got deeper each time we crossed.

At one of the points of interest, our guide explained that both Hopis and Navajos had once occupied the canyon. One of the tourists asked the guide if he was Hopi or Navajo.

"Most of the time I'm Navajo," he replied, "but today I'm Hopi - hope I can get us out of here before the water gets much higher."

Command Change

While working with the Civilian Conservation

You're a real cowboy if you believe a hacker is a guy who cuts wood Corps as a Forest Service foreman and superintendent from 1933 to 1942, my grandfather worked closely with the Army staff in charge of the CCC camps. Many of the military officers hailed from the East and weren't familiar with some Western practices.

One new commanding officer called a staff meeting and asked about the rails he had driven over when entering the camp. "That's a cattle guard," someone said. The officer thought a moment before saying, "Well, that's fine, but do we need to put it right in the middle of the road?"

Dying Request An 80-year-old man was lying in bed dying. The doctor said he had minutes to live. His first and only wife was at his bedside to hear his last words: "Honey, do you remember how when we got married, I was a cheerful, handsome, and wealthy man? But I soon lost all my money on bad investments. Nevertheless, you stayed with me the whole time.

"Then my first business went bankrupt, and we lost everything we had. You didn't leave me. You were right by my side the whole time.

"And now I've had a long sickness which has used up all of our savings. I'm a wrinkled, grouchy, old, poverty-stricken dying man. And you're still by my side.

"So with my dying breath, I just want to say three little words to you: You're bad luck."

The Difference Recently I ventured on a three-day white-water kayak excursion down the Salt River. One evening, a fellow veterinarian and I sat next to the fire and listened to our guide explain the difference between a savings bond and a river guide. Eventually, he said, the savings bond matures and makes money.

Just One Whack My friend John manages a hospital softball team in Tucson and is responsible for returning all the equipment at the end of the year. Once, as he walked into the surgery department carrying a bat belonging to one of the surgeons, he overheard a man in the waiting area say to his wife, "Look, honey. There goes your anesthesiologist."

TO SUBMIT HUMOR Send us an original short story, no more than 200 words, about your humorous experiences, and we'll pay $75 for each one we publish.

Send them to Humor, Arizona Highways, 2039 W. Lewis Ave., Phoenix, AZ 85009. Please enclose your name, address, and telephone number with each submission.

We'll notify those whose stories we intend to publish, but we cannot acknowledge or return unused submissions.

Season's Greetings 1999 Classic Holiday Cards

Each box contains 20 cards (same image) and 21 envelopes. Cards are 5% by 7% folded and printed on recycled paper.

$14.95 each A. Sunset provides a colorful backdrop for a festive saguaro; photograph by Debs Metzong. Message: "May your holiday season be bright with cheer" #CCLT9 B. A Christmas day snowstorm decorates saguaro cactuses in Finger Rock Canyon of the Santa Catalina Mountains; photograph by Jack Dykinga. Message: "Best wishes for a wonderful holiday season" #CCSS9 C. Piñon pines covered with freshly fallen snow line the South Rim of the Grand Canyon; photograph by Jack Dykinga. Message: "Wishing you a joyful holiday season" #CCGC9 D. "The Nativity" by Ettore "Ted" DeGrazia. Message: "Merry Christmas" #CCDG9

1999 Holiday Cards

Each box contains 20 cards (same image) and 21 envelopes. Cards are 4½" by 6¼" folded and printed on recycled paper.

$7.95 each E. The sun breaks through the clouds on a winter morning at Grand Canyon National Park; photograph by Laurence Parent. Message: "Wishing you a season of peace and happiness" #XCAN9 F. Sunset outlines the turrets and spires of Mission San Xavier del Bac near Tucson; photograph by Jack Dykinga. Message: "May the spirit of the holiday bring you joy throughout the year" #XXAV9 A. fiery sunset silhouettes saguaro cactuses in the Cabeza Prieta National Wildlife Refuge; photograph by Jack Dykinga. Message: "Warm wishes for a happy holiday season" #XSAG9 Archaeologists uncover startling evidence that may shed new light on the origin of the mysterious Kokopelli figure; illustration by Vicky Snow. Message: "May Santa leave you lots of 'petrogifts' this year!" #XHUM9 TO ORDER: Use the attached card or call toll-free nationwide, 1-800-543-5432. In the Phoenix area or outside the U.S., call 602-258-1000. Or fax to 602-254-4505. Visit us at www.arizonahighways.com to order online.