WIT STOP

Nothing Tests the Holy Bonds of Togetherness Like a Husband's Thinking about Retirement

Arizona is a popular retirement state. Not only is the climate inviting, but there are many communities specifically designed to appeal to the active 50 and older crowd. In fact, reading some of the brochures, seeing the well-manicured golf courses, the peaceful fishing ponds, and the bustling community centers made me think about a more leisurely life-style.I said to my wife over breakfast, "You know, honey, I've been thinking about retirement."

She muttered something under her breath that I didn't quite hear, but it didn't matter. My statement didn't require a response, so I went on.

"I've been working hard for a long time now. The rat race doesn't get any easier, and I'm not getting any younger. I think I've earned a break, so I'm about ready to retire. What do you think?"

She muttered under her breath again.

I said, "What?"

She said, "Where would you do this retirement?"

I said, "Right here. I'd be home. All the time, 24 hours a day. Wouldn't that be great?"

Again, that under-the-breath muttering.

"What?" I said.

She said, "What exactly would you do all day?"

I said with a lot of emphasis, "Absolutely nothing."

She said, "I'd definitely suggest you rent an office.

That puzzled me. "If I'm going to do nothing, why do I need an office to do it in?"

She said, "Let's discuss this."

"Okay," I said.

She said, "When you retire, you're still going to eat every day, right?"

"Of course."

"Three meals a day, I would guess."

"At least," I said.

"And you'll still wear clothes every day?"

"Most of the time."

"And if you're going to stay around the house ALL THE TIME" I don't know why she said "all the time" louder than the other words - "you'd probably want a clean house, correct?"

"Sure," I said.

She said, "I'll still have to cook, wash, iron, clean. The last thing someone who is doing something wants around the house is someone who is doing nothing. Get an office."

Now I understood her problem. I tried to reassure her. "No, honey, you'll enjoy having me around the house. Remember that song?" I sang to her, "It's so nice to have a man around the house.

She said, "That song was written by a man."

I said, "But, honey, I'll be useful. You'll see."

There was more of that under-the-breath mum-bling. Then she said, "No, I think you'll just be something else that has to be dusted."

"I won't," I insisted. "I plan to be an active retiree." She muttered something else that was inaudible, and that was starting to irritate me. I continued in spite of it.

"I'll be working around the house fixing things. Doing home improvements. Inventing gadgets to make your life easier. Keeping busy all the time."

She said, "And I'll be on the telephone all the time."

"Doing what?" I asked.

She said, "Calling repairmen to fix all the things you've fixed."

I said, "I'm getting the impression that you don't want me around the house. You don't want to spend more quality time with me."

That changed her attitude. She got very consoling. "Sweetheart, you know how you used to call me from the office sometimes and say you were going to come home and have lunch with me?"

"Yeah."

"And it was always such a pleasant and enjoyable surprise for me?"

"Yeah. I would do that about once a month."

She said sweetly, "Let's keep it that way."

I said, "So you want me to keep working my tail off so we can have lunch together once a month?"

She said, "That's one way of putting it."

"But I'm ready to retire."