ARIZONA HUMOR

humor: Clerical Advice

Last year we vacationed at the Grand Canyon. On the return drive back to Phoenix, we saw a church near Flagstaff with a sign out in front that read: “Don't let worry kill you let thechurch help.”

Ready to Go

Some time ago I lay in a Phoenix hospital bed, recuperating from heart surgery. My roommate, Wayne, had been hospitalized for suspected cancer. Doctors determined treatment would be successful and he would recover, but Wayne was convinced his departure to the “big corral in the sky” was imminent. I listened as he prayed constantly from behind his curtain, “Take me Lord. Come take me out of this room, out of this world, Lord.” One night Wayne called so loudly upon the Lord the nurse had to come in and quiet him. She told me later that I rolled over, half asleep, and muttered, “Make sure you give Him the right bed number, Wayne.”

Shopping Alone

Our daughter, who lived in Pakistan, wanted a certain kind of Christmas candy, but couldn't locate it overseas. So she asked if we would buy it and send it to her. The candy was not easy to find, so when I finally did, I bought several bags. I put the bags and a couple of candy bars for myself on the checkout counter. The young woman cashier looked over my goods and then at me with a grin. “We'd better be careful, hadn't we?” she said. “Or Mama won't let us go shopping by ourselves anymore.”

Christmas Without Cactus

As Christmas approached last year, we took our two-year-old to look at light displays around our Mesa neighborhood. He enjoyed seeing the decorations on people's homes and yards. Because he liked it so much, we took him out again when we arrived in Oklahoma for a Christmas visit. After we drove around for a while in silence, our son turned to us with a rather puzzled expression and asked, “Where are all the cactuses?”

Geography Bee

I Flew into Phoenix for the Christmas holiday in 1996, and excitement mounted throughout the plane as we crossed the New Mexico/ Arizona border. Many travelers, eager to show off knowledge of Arizona's terrain, speculated aloud about the names of deep ravines and mountain ranges passing below. As we approached the cities, I heard hushed but enthusiastic murmurs up and down the aisle: “We're flying over Mesa now!” “Oh look! There's Alma School and McClintock roads!” “Can you see ASU over there?” The aircraft was just beginning a slow bank toward the airport when a little boy seated behind me pointed out the window at Camelback Mountain and proudly exclaimed to everyone within earshot, “Look! It's the Grand Canyon.”

Wrong Park

A friend came to visit us one Christmas, and she brought her mother, who lives in Germany and speaks no English. It was their first visit to the Southwest. On New Year's Eve we drove to the South Rim of the Grand Canyon, and we watched the German woman to see her reaction. Surprisingly, she looked bored. We reached Hermit's Rest where we bought hot chocolates and watched the sun set below the Rim on the last day of the year. The Canyon lit like a fiery spectrum, and we thought surely this would impress the woman. At my urging, my friend asked her mother what she thought of the Canyon. The woman said something, and then my friend looked back at me. “She wants to know when we get to the part of the park that has the presidents' faces carved into it.”

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