WIT STOP

You'd Think Shopping with Dad for a Tree Would Be a Touching Christmas Memory...

When I was a kid, there were certain givens about Christmas. It would always fall on December 25. Santa would always come. Oh, Mom and Dad would threaten us with his not coming, but we knew that was a parental ploy to make us be good little girls and boys. We knew we'd get nice presents. A stocking full of coal was always a possibility if we didn't behave, but of all the kids I've known - and I've known a lot of kids in my day - none of them ever got coal on Christmas morning.

The one thing my family never knew, though, was whether or not we would have a Christmas tree. We'd haul the decorations up from the basement and uncrate them. We'd check to see how many of the ornaments were broken. And we'd check the strings of tree lights. We'd plug them in and see which ones wouldn't light. Then we'd tighten the bulbs. If that solved the problem, fine. If it didn't, we'd switch the bulbs, put the unlit bulb in the socket where a lit bulb was. If that solved the problem, fine. If it didn't, we'd search around for a new bulb, the old bulb obviously being burnt out.

Of course, some of the pre-historic strings of lights were wired in series. That meant if one bulb was burned out, the entire string would not light. Then you'd have to tighten every bulb. If that solved the problem, fine. If it didn't, you'd have to get a bulb you were positive worked and go through the entire string of lights, re-placing each bulb with the good one until finally the string would light gloriously. This procedure could take longer than it took Santa and his elves to make all the gifts he was about to deliver. We'd check, too, to make sure we had enough tinsel for the tree. But we needed a tree to put the lights, the ornaments, and the tinsel on. That was Dad's responsibility and, as I said, we never knew whether we would have a tree until well after Santa and his reindeer were airborne. In fact, that was part of Dad's strategy. Once the holiday season transformed from prepa-ration to celebration, the price of Christmas trees dropped drastically. Those poor guys who stood in the freezing cold Peddling evergreen trees to brighten the holidays would be stuck with any that didn't sell. They certainly weren't going to unload any during the January White Sales. They wouldn't sell any after midnight on Christmas Eve. In fact, they'd hardly get rid of any in the hour before midnight. Maybe one tree. To my Dad.

His opening gambit wouldbegin at about 11:35 P.M. on the night before Christmas. "How much are you asking for this one?" "They're all 50 cents a foot," the salesman would say. "But how much for this one?" "Well, it's eight feet tall. That's four dollars." Dad would say, "You're ask-ing four dollars for a tree?"

The guy would say, "Yeah. That's all I sell here trees." Dad would then say, "Well, you're not selling one to me at those prices." I would get nervous about the deal being consummated and say, "Dad, we need a tree in a hurry." Dad would shoot me a look like Marlon Brando gave to Sonny in The Godfather. It said, "Don't ever go against the family." But I was persistent. I want-ed a merry Christmas and I didn't have much time left. I said, "But Dad, Santa Claus is coming to town." Dad said, "Not for 50 cents a foot, he's not." The tree man said, "I'll tell you what. I'll give you this 12-foot tree for four dollars. That's less than 50 cents a foot." Dad said, "What do I want a 12-foot tree for? I only have eight-foot ceilings." The guy said, "With the money you save, you can move to a bigger house." Dad said, "I'll give you a dollar for the eight-foot tree." The guy countered with, "Three bucks." I'd usually start crying. They'd continue haggling. Dad would finally get the tree for about $1.35, and we'd lug it home. We'd work feverishly to get it trimmed and tinseled so we could get a few hours sleep be-fore we'd get up the next morn-ing to open the presents that were beneath it.

Everyone who saw our tree over the holidays would say, "It's beautiful." Dad would always add, "And it was cheap, too."