WIT STOP

For Some, R and R Means Exercising The Right to Not Run, Walk, Climb or Pedal on Vacation

My wife and I have traveled together to many spots in Arizona. And this state is outdoorsy. It's rich in hiking trails, biking trails, things that you can climb on and swim in. My wife seeks these places out as soon as we reach our destination. "Let's walk here, run there, climb this, pedal a bike so we can exercise and enjoy the gorgeous scenery simultaneously.

Me, once I find a vacant deck chair and which button to push for room service, I have no need to search for anything else.

My wife says, "Let's walk to the restaurant. It's only 3 or 4 miles."

I say, "Why?" She says, "It's good exercise." I say, "Let's drive. I get all the exercise I need looking for a parking space."

As we're driving to the restaurant, she says, "You'd better do some exercise. All you do is sleep by the pool."

I say, "We're on vacation. That's why they call this R and R-rest and relaxation. If they wanted us to exercise, they'd call it G and G grimace."

She says, "You never do anything at home either."

I say, "I play golf." "You ride a cart. That's about as much exercise as swimming laps in the bathtub." "I play tennis."

"I've seen your tennis. If the ball comes to you, you hit it. If it doesn't come to you, you tell your partner to hit it. That's not exercise; that's delegating responsibility."

"What's your point?" I ask. She says, "My point is that you've got to exert yourself. Swim or jog or work up a sweat. Haven't you ever heard the expression 'No pain, no gain'?"

I say, "Yeah, I heard it, but us laid-back guys have our own expression: 'No pain, no problem.'"

She harrumphs. The next morning, she wakes me with what she assumes is scintillating news. "Guess what?" she says. "This hotel has an exercise room, and we can use it anytime we want."

I say, "They also have a bed in our room, and I'm using it right now."

"C'mon," she says, "we can spend a half-hour riding the stationary bikes."

I say, "I hate stationary bikes. I don't understand them." "What's to understand? You pedal them and that's it."

"That's what I don't understand. Why would anyone invent a device that you pedal to go nowhere? It's kind of like creating an inedible pizza."

She says, "Now you're being silly."

I say, "No, the machine is silly. Why would you pedal a vehicle that goes nowhere? It's like calling a cab to take you home when you're already there. And I'm that lazy. If I don't want to go someplace, I'd rather take a cab to get there than pedal a bike."

My wife says, "Okay, you win. Come to the exercise room with me and I'll ride the bike. You can use the treadmill."

I say, "If I'm going no place and I don't want to ride a bike to get there, why would I walk?" She says, "You're absolutely incorrigible."

Well, I don't argue with that. I don't want to look up a word just to keep an argument going. But I do ask, "Why are you so intent on having me work up a sweat?"

She says, "It's for your wellbeing. You have to stay limber as you get older. You should at least touch your toes 10 times when you wake up in the morning."

I say, "Sweetheart, if the good Lord wanted me to touch my toes every morning, He would have put them somewhere around my knees."

She ignores the wisecrack. "You really should work out once in a while. It's for your own good."

"Okay," I concede. "I'll try to do a little more exercising."

"But it has to be a good cardiovascular workout. You should do some exercise that gets your heart rate up to about 120 and keep doing it for a half-hour."

"All right. I'll do it." Now that she's coerced an agreement, she starts adding the small print. "When?" she asks. "Later," I say. "I'm trusting you will," she says. "Right now I'm going to go for a walk, then I'll probably stop in the exercise room. I may do a little shopping, too. What are you going to do?"

I say, "I'm going to have a bite to eat, then I'll probably read for a while down by the pool. After that I'll probably come up here and take a good, brisk nap."

She says, "What time do you want me to wake you?" I say, "A half-hour after my heart rate reaches 120."

I know she got a strenuous workout just slamming the door as she left.

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