ARIZONA HUMOR

humor:

Every story I I tell my grandchildren is either true or would have been true if it had actually happened

Beetle Mania

One day while Hiking Mount Elden in Flagstaff, I chanced upon a large black beetle and decided to take a closer look. The beetle turned immediately, poking its face into the dirt while sticking its rear end straight up at me. I thought this was odd, but continued on my way.

About 30 seconds later, my thighs felt as if they were on fire. Then I realized my insect friend hadn't been mooning me. It was one of those beetles I'd read about that spray acid on attackers as a means of self-defense.

In my pain and confusion, I did the only thing I could think of - I dropped my jeans and soaked the growing red welt with canteen water. Just as I began to feel some relief, I heard a gasp behind me. Two horrified-looking female hikers, their hands covering their mouths in apparent disgust and disbelief, stood watching. With my pants at my ankles, I furiously rubbed water onto my leg and shouted, "Hot, hot, hot!"

"Weirdo!" they shouted, and scurried down the trail. I never stop for beetles anymore.

Baby Ducks

At a rock show in Quartzsite, I wore my seed company jacket with its full-color picture of a Mallard duck in flight, and the words "Buy Mallard Seeds." A man approached and asked if I really sold Mallard seeds. When I said yes, he shook his head and said, "I always thought they came from eggs."

Jet Set Bags

We had a wonderful time visiting friends in Phoenix and Mesa in March 1997. The spring weather was sunny and warm, perfect for sightseeing and outdoor activities. We were sorry when the time came to return to Michigan, where it was still winter.

Checking our three bags at the airport, my husband said to the clerk, "We'd like one suitcase to stay in Phoenix, one to go to Miami and the other to go to New York City."

"We can't do that,' said the clerk, looking strangely at my husband.

"That's funny," he retorted, "you did it on our trip out here."

Law-abiding Citizen

Montana rancher, returning in a hurry from a horse sale in Arizona, noticed flashing lights in his rearview mirror and pulled off to the side of the road. As the Arizona Highway Patrol officer got out of his car, the rancher hastily strapped on his seat belt. He rolled down his window and handed his driver's license to the patrolman now standing at his door. He quickly admitted being in a little too much of a hurry.

"I see you're from out of state," the officer said pleasantly. "I'm glad you honor our state's seat belt law."

"I always do," said the rancher, smiling.

"And do you always fasten your seat belt through the steering wheel?" asked the officer.

Sweet Spot

A golfer hit his ball into the rough, where it landed on an anthill. The golfer flailed away at the ball, missing it each time but killing hundreds of ants with every stroke. Finally, just two exhausted ants were left. One leaned toward the other and said, "It looks like the only way we're going to survive is if we climb up onto the ball."

Playing It Safe

A farmer bought two young bulls and put them out into the pasture with the other cattle. They watched as an older bull went from cow to cow. One of the youngsters began to paw the dirt, snort and bellow.

"What are you doing?" asked the other young bull. "We can't fight him - he'd kill us!"

"I don't want to fight him," replied the first. "I just want to make sure he knows I ain't no cow."

TO SUBMIT HUMOR Send us an original short story, no more than 200 words, about your humorous experiences, and we'll pay $75 for each one we publish. Send them to Humor, Arizona Highways, 2039 W. Lewis Ave., Phoenix, AZ 85009. Please enclose your name, address and telephone number with each submission. We'll notify those whose stories we intend to publish, but we cannot acknowledge or return unused submissions.

The saying at the top of the page is from the Arizona Highways humor book Growing Older is So Much Fun EVERYBODY'S Doing It, by Gene Perret, who writes our "Wit Stop" column. To order, call toll-free (800) 543-5432. The cost is $6.95 plus shipping and handling.

Take a Trip to the Wild West

After reading Days of Destiny, you asked for more stories like the ones about lawmen and desperados meeting their inevitable fates. So we gave you five more books featuring fast-paced, real-life stories of when the West was young and rowdy. Now, the two latest volumes in

THE WILD WEST COLLECTION Rattlesnake Blues: Dispatches From A Snakebit Territory

Here are stories you've never heard. Funny. Outrageous. Ridiculous. True accounts of the news, yarns and utter lies that snakebit the Arizona Territory. Discover the details behind legends still told today. Get to know quirky individuals who made the news and peppery characters who dared to print it.

144 pages. Softcover. Includes black-and-white historical photographs.

#ATHPO $7.95 (plus shipping and handling) Available August 2000.

Into the Unknown: Adventure on the Spanish Colonial Frontier

After establishing New Spain (Mexico), soldiers and settlers ventured into what now is the American West. Enticed by the lure of gold and the hypnotic power of a raw, wildly beautiful land, they struggled to set roots. They wrestled with the land and themselves. They fought off Apaches. They gambled, shot each other and engaged in tempestuous affairs.

144 pages. Softcover. Includes black-and-white illustrations.

ASCS9 $7.95 (plus shipping and handling)

by LEO W. BANKS

by SUSAN HAZEN-HAMMOND TO ORDER: Use the attached card or call toll-free nationwide, 1-800-543-5432. In the Phoenix area or outside the U.S., call 602-712-2000. Or fax to 602-254-4505. Visit us at www.arizonahighways.com to order online.