ARIZONA HUMOR

humor:

The Tomboy While living in Sentinel, Arizona, population 17, my 9-year-old twin sons soon discovered that the only playmate in the community was an 8-year-old girl. While Marie's mother struggled to keep her feminine, my boys dragged her off to do fort-building, fake shoot-outs and pretend four-wheel-drive camping trips.

Their influence was evident when Marie asked her mother for six-guns for her birthday; she got pierced earrings. She wanted a grenade; she got a tea set. She wanted a camp stove; she got brass doll furniture. One day Marie returned from town with a loom and weaving set for making pot holders. She started to work right away and brought over the finished project to the boys.

"Handcuffs," she said proudly. "I made them just for you."

Top Crop

As our airplane neared Sky Harbor International Airport in Phoenix, two pre-teens sitting in front of me looked out the window and discussed with what seemed some agricultural savvy - the large patches of green on the ground below.

"I wonder what they're growing?" asked one. Immediately an elderly gentleman sharing their row of seats replied, "Golf courses."

Inexperienced Riders Only

On vacation, we visited Grand Canyon National Park. We contemplated taking a mule ride to the bottom of the Canyon until we overheard the following introduction by the trail master:

IT'S Snow JOKE

We're supposed to get smarter as we get older, but don't count on it. I've got some old friends who are still dumb "I would like to invite you to join our mule trek to the bottom of the Canyon. We have mules for everyone. We have big mules for big people, tall mules for tall people, small mules for small people. And for those of you who have never ridden a mule, we have mules that have never been ridden."

Payment Plan

While visiting my son's home, I overheard my granddaughter confide that she wanted a baby sister, but her mother had said they couldn't afford one. I explained to her that babies do cost a lot of money. She replied, "Can't they just write a check?"

Mirror Flash Rescue

Grand Canyon National Park rangers rescue hundreds of people each year who experience problems while hiking in America's great gorge. Frequently, backpackers use signal mirrors to gain assistance in an emergency.

One day, two rangers saw an erratic mirror flash along one of the trails. The distance was too great for binoculars, so they watched the signal for a while. It was not a steady flash, but it was persistent, so the rangers radioed for assistance. Rescue personnel aboard the park helicopter responded and flew to the scene.

There they discovered the "victim" hung up in a small bush. It was a shiny Mylar birthday balloon that had drifted into the Canyon.

Grammar Check

An English professor was driving to Tucson to teach a class when he noticed flashing lights in his rearview mirror. He pulled over, and the patrolman walked up to his window and asked, "Sir, do you know you were going 16 miles over the speed limit?"

"I'm sorry," the professor replied, "but I'm on my way to teach a class at the university, and I'm late. I won't let it happen again." Sympathetic, the officer replied, "All right, I'll let you go this time, but drive safe."

"Safely," corrected the professor.

The officer stared at him for a moment, then pulled out a small booklet and wrote the man a $75 speeding ticket.

TO SUBMIT HUMOR Send us an original short story, no more than 200 words, about your humorous experiences, and we'll pay $75 for each one we publish. Send them to Humor, Arizona Highways, 2039 W. Lewis Ave., Phoenix, AZ 85009. Please enclose your name, address and telephone number with each submission. We'll notify those whose stories we intend to publish, but we cannot acknowledge or return unused submissions.

The saying at the top of the page is from the Arizona Highways humor book Growing Older is So Much Fun EVERYBODY'S Doing It, by Gene Perret, who writes our "Wit Stop" column. To order, call toll-free (800) 543-5432. The cost is $6.95 plus shipping and handling.

2000 CLASSIC HOLIDAY CARDS

Each box contains 20 cards (same image) and 21 envelopes. Cards are 5/4" by 7/8" folded. Printed on recycled paper. $14.95 each A. The setting sun highlights a single pine tree on the sylvan walls of Sterling Canyon, Coconino National Forest; photograph by Peter Ensenberger. Message: "Season's Greetings' B. Dawn breaks on a frosty morning in snow-covered Monument Valley Navajo Tribal Park; photograph by Tom Till. Message: "Wishing you peace and joy this holiday season" #CCMVO C. The winter sun sets the sky aglow behind a saguaro cactus forest in Cabeza Prieta National Wildlife Refuge; photograph by Jack Dykinga. Message: "Warm wishes for the holiday season" #CCSGO D. "A Midnight Madonna" by Ettore "Ted" DeGrazia. Message: "Merry Christmas" #CCDGO

Season's Greetings 2000 HOLIDAY CARDS

Each box contains 20 cards (same image) and 21 envelopes. Cards are 4½" by 6/4" folded. Printed on recycled paper. $7.95 each E. The mission dome of Tumacacori National Historical Park stands high above the Santa Cruz Valley; photograph by Jack Dykinga. Message: "Wishing you a joyous holiday season" #XTMMO F. A snowstorm moves across Grand Canyon National Park leaving a winter wonderland in its wake; photograph by Tom Danielsen. Message: "Best wishes for a beautiful holiday season #XGCWO G. Cathedral Rock towers above Oak Creek wearing a mantle of fresh snow; photograph by Richard Strange. Message: "May your holidays be filled with joy" #XRCKO A Christmas day snowstorm decorates saguaro cactuses in Finger Rock Canyon, Santa Catalina Mountains; photograph by Jack Dykinga. Message: "Wishing you a wonderful holiday season" #XCTLO TO ORDER: Use the attached card or call toll-free nationwide, 1-800-543-5432 In the Phoenix area or outside the U.S., call 602-712-2000. Or fax to 602-254-4505. Visit us at www.arizonahighways.com to order online.