WIT STOP

Moaning Ice Machines and Otherworldly Fears Bedevil Our Hero One Night at a Haunted Hotel

I stayed overnight in one of Arizona's notorious haunted hotels. It was my wife's idea, not mine. This was something she had always wanted to do and something I had always wanted not to do.

"Isn't this wonderful?" my wife asked when we got back to our room after dinner.

"No," I said when I finally got my teeth to stop chattering.

"You have to get over this silly notion of being afraid of ghosts," she said.

"I'm not afraid of ghosts," I said. "I just don't like them."

"Why not?" she asked.

"Because they wake you up in the middle of the night."

She said, "So does pepper-oni pizza, but you're not afraid of that."

I replied, "No, but I don't go out of my way to stay in a hotel room that's filled with them, either."

My wife told me, "C'mon, it's an adventure. Besides, the only way to overcome an inordinate fear is to confront it."

I said, "I don't believe in confronting fear. Uncle Izzy felt like that, and he tried to teach me to swim by throwing me out of a rowboat."

"It must have worked," she said.

"Kind of. I learned to swim and Uncle Izzy just kept mum-bling after I climbed back into the boat. Then he said the next day he was going to teach me to fly."

She said, "I don't believe that story."

I said, "Well, I don't believe your theory of overcoming fear by confronting it. I simply pre-fer to hide in a closet.

She said, "I don't know why you're so afraid anyway. You know some ghosts can be good."

"Nonsense," I said. "The only good ghost is a dead one."

"Ghosts are dead," she said.

"I don't care," I told her. "I still don't want to be in a hotel room filled with them."

She said, "I think live people can do more harm to you than dead people."

I said, "I agree with that to-tally. That's why I very rarely book a hotel room that's filled with live people, either."

My wife said, "Look, there's nothing under the bed." She lifted the bedcovers to show me. "There's nothing in the closets." She opened the closet doors to prove it. "There's no one in the bathroom." She led me into that room to indicate it was empty. "Now do you feel better?"

I said, "Aren't ghosts invisible?"

She said, "Usually, yes."

I said, "Then there could have been several of them under the bed, in the closets and occupying the bathroom."

My wife said, "You're being very childish. We have this room booked for the night, so let's start getting ready for bed."

So we started getting ready for bed. Then I heard it.

"Listen."

She asked, "What?"

"Don't you hear it?" I said.

"It sounds like someone moaning - and clanging chains or something."

She said, "Yes, I do hear it. It does sound like someone moaning and clanging chains. It also sounds like someone getting ice from the ice machine just across the hall. Now let's get to sleep, and you'll see by morning that your fear of ghosts is gone."

"Maybe you're right," I said.

"Put out the light," she said.

"What?" I shouted.

"Put out the light," she repeated.

"I think I'll leave the light on," I said.

"Why?"

"I'll just sit up and read for a while."

She said, "You didn't bring a book."

I said, "Then I'll just sit up and practice reading for when I do have a book."

She scoffed at me. "You're afraid of the dark, aren't you?"

I said, "I am not afraid of the dark. I just don't want to put the light out."

My wife said, "Well, I can't sleep in the light."

"Aha!" I said.

"You're afraid of the light."

She said, "Don't be silly. I'm not afraid of the light. I just can't sleep with the lights on."

I said, "Well, I'm not afraid of the dark, either. I just can't sleep with the dark on."

"Oh, for crying out loud," she said. Then she got up, turned off the light and snuggled back under the covers, prepared to sleep bravely through all sorts of haunting and ghostly terrorization.

It took me a bit longer to relax. I busied myself with other things before getting under the bedcovers.

Then I heard my wife say something.

I ignored her.

She mumbled something again.

Finally, I asked, "What was that you said, honey?"

She said, "Your feet are awfully cold in this bed."

I said, "Honey, I haven't been in bed yet. I was in the bathroom brushing my teeth."

We didn't actually stay the entire night."

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