HUMOR

humors

"I've become impulsive in my older years. Fortunately, every time I try to think before I act, I doze off."

From the Arizona Highways humor book Growing Older is So Much Fun EVERYBODY'S Doing It, by Gene Perret, who writes our "Wit Stop" column. To order, call toll-free (800) 543-5432. The cost is $6.95 plus shipping and handling.

JUST LIKE FISHING We were ending our drive from San Francisco to southern Arizona. Our four children had fallen asleep as we escaped the last bright rays of the Arizona sun. Suddenly we were startled by the flashing red light of an Arizona patrol car. I stopped the car and got out. The police officer said, "You were exceeding the speed limit. Could I see your driver's license?" Noticing the frightened looks on our children's faces, he remarked, "I see you're from out of state, so I'll only give you a warning citation." Just then a Greyhound buswhizzed by so fast that both the officer and I lost our equi-librium. I couldn't resist the comment, "How about that?" As usual, the officer had the last word. "It's like going fish-ing. You can't catch 'em all!"

I. ALBERT JANSSEN Walnut Creek, CA

RANCH LIFE

I work on a southern Arizona ranch. One day, as we rode out to gather cattle, the boss had each of us carry a tool needed to rebuild a gate out on the south end of the range. While I was riding, I came across some hunters who looked mighty surprised to see me riding in full cowboy gear, carrying a shovel. One of them asked me about it, and with a perfectly straight face, I replied, "Well, on this ranch we raise ground beef."

ZAY HARTIGAN Benson

GOOD QUESTION

In 1990 my family went on vacation to Arizona. While there, we decided to tour a lost gold mine. On the way to the mine, our youngest child asked, "If it's a lost gold mine, how will we know how to get there?"

JACKIE PURCELL North Street, MI

NOT FAIR

Sierra Vista couple divorced after many years of marriage, and the wife got more of their possessions than the husband thought she should. After telling an acquaintance about the matter, he ended by saying, "Whatever good qualities my ex-wife had, she certainly wasn't a member of the fair sex."

RUTH BURKE Bowie

VISITING BACK EAST

Pete had worked as a cowhand on a ranch in Apache County for many years when he announced he'd saved enough money to take a long-desired trip Back East. After an absence of several weeks, he returned to the ranch where he regaled fellow cowhands with the wonders he'd seen Back East in Albuquerque.

TREVELYN G. BLAZZARD SR. Modesto, CA

SNOWBIRD SHUFFLE

As we were bidding goodbye to one of our winter residents in Lake Havasu City, he asked, "If I'm called a snowbird when I come here from Washington state to get away from the cold winter, what am I called when I go back to Washington to avoid the hot summer?"

A year-round longtime resident quietly replied, "A coward." CHARLENE LUJAN Lake Havasu City

ONLY SO MUCH TIME

The Maricopa County clerk's office was packed. Everyone was given a number upon arrival, but it was taking forever for each to be called. Seated near me in the waiting area was an elderly couple, probably in their upper 70s. After more than an hour, the gentleman leaned forward and said to me, "They sure are slow today, aren't they?" "Yeah," I agreed. "I'm here to apply for a passport. I'm afraid my trip to Europe will be over before they even call out my number."

With a twinkle in his eyes, the man replied, "That's nothing, honey. We're applying for a marriage license. I'm afraid by the time they get to our number, we'll be too old to enjoy our honeymoon!"

JAN RYAN Roosevelt

A REAL DUDE

We were driving through open range south of Tucson and saw some cattle on the side of the road. "Stop, stop!" my wife yelled. "I want to see if those cattle are, uh, monogrammed."

FRED SCHUTTE Turner, MI TO SUBMIT HUMOR Send us an original short story, no more than 200 words, about your humorous experiences, and we'll pay $75 for each one we publish. Send them to Humor, Arizona Highways, 2039 W. Lewis Ave., Phoenix, AZ 85009. Please enclose your name, address and telephone number with each submission. We'll notify those whose stories we intend to publish, but we cannot acknowledge or return unused submissions.

ON THE ROAD AGAIN? Bring a good book

Travel Arizona II follows a tradition of signature Arizona Highways guidebooks. The most popular, Travel Arizona, sold more than 240,000 copies. Now, Travel Arizona II brims with fresh information and color photographs of Arizona's outback and urban areas. Five veteran travel writers give you the inside scoop featuring:

Arizona Highways offers other travel books, all designed to help you plan and enjoy your own Arizona adventure.

A take-along guide to 20 tours of desert wonderlands, forested uplands and spectacular canyons.

Offers 22 tours of Arizona's scenic and historic highways and byways.

TO ORDER A BOOK visit your favorite bookstore or call Arizona Highways, toll-free, 1-800-543-5432. In the Phoenix area or outside the United States, call 602-712-2000. Or visit our Web site at www.arizonahighways.com.