HUMOR

humors

Retirement. That's when you return from work one day and say, "Hi, honey, I'm home forever."

From the WitWorks™ humor book RETIREMENT: Twice the Time, Half the Money by Gene Perret, who writes our "Wit Stop" column. To order, call toll-free (800) 543-5432. The cost is $6.95 plus shipping and handling.

Recently I visited a small bar in Globe, and the only other patrons were a man and his dog. Both seemed interested in a movie that was playing especially the dog. He growled and snapped when the bad guy came into the scene, whined when things got sad and wagged his tail vigorously at anything happy or funny. At the end of the movie, I walked over and said to the man, "You know, I'm surprised. Your dog really seemed to enjoy that movie."

His owner shrugged and replied, "Yeah, it surprises me, too. He hated the book."

We are recent residents of Arizona, retiring from California. Our grandchildren have visited us during different times of the year. On one of their summer visits I took Kyle, 4, and Kristi, 7, to gather some vegetables from our garden. As we harvested the carrots, radishes, beans and other goodies, I pointed out the strawberry, corn and potato plants. After some careful consideration, Kyle turned to me and asked, "When can we pick the mashed potatoes?"

My wife and I finally coaxed our good friends George and Jean to leave their very active plumbing business and visit us in the Southwest. Then we all went up to Sedona overnight to do some shopping and sight seeing. In the morning, we stood outside our lodge and admired the beautiful multicolored sandstone monuments bathing in the early morning sunlight. I turned to George to comment, but he wasn't paying attention, so I asked him what he was staring at. He replied, "Look at this vent pipe. That would never pass inspection in my state."

Send us an original short story, no more than 200 words, about your humorous experiences, and we'll pay $75 for each one we publish. Send them to Humor, Arizona Highways, 2039 W. Lewis Ave., Phoenix, AZ 85009. Please enclose your name, address and telephone number with each submission. We'll notify those whose stories we intend to publish, but we cannot acknowledge or return unused submissions.

While out hunting one day, my uncle shot a large wild turkey. After cleaning it, he presented it to his wife. Never having cooked a wild turkey, she asked her mother for help. The three of them put the turkey in a large pan, and placed it in the oven. Because it was such a large bird, my aunt invited eight of their friends over for supper. The turkey would not be done for hours, so my aunt and uncle decided to go shopping. Upon their return about four hours later, they rushed to the oven, opened the door and had the shock of their lives. While they were gone, my aunt's mother had removed the turkey and replaced it with a Cornish hen.

While traveling through Arizona, my wife and I decided to tour Hoover Dam. As the elevator descended to the generator level, our guide said, "Ladies and gentlemen, you don't have to worry about these elevators as they are all 'held up' with government red tape."

Having lived in Houston all my life, I was thrilled to be recruited during the summer of my sophomore year in college to work at the Grand Canyon. It was 1976, and I quickly fell in love with Arizona's canyons, forests, mountains, lakes and creeks. I learned to love hiking, camping and backpacking. As summer came to an end, I sadly made plans to drive back to Phoenix for my flight home. My boyfriend took me to the airport, and we said our tearful goodbyes. After boarding the plane, I broke down sobbing. A dear lady sitting next to me patted my arm and said gently, "Honey, we all must leave home sometime."

In my Texas drawl I replied, "Ma'am, I'm not leaving home, I'm going home."

HEAT STROKES BY GARY BENNETT What's so funny? Introducing Witworks™ humor books from Arizona Highways

Everyone needs a good laugh now and then. Sometimes a chuckle will do. Sometimes you need a roaring belly laugh. Either way, turn to WitWorks™ Skeptical? Well, order a copy of Retirement: Twice the Time, Half the Money or Someday I Want to Go to All the Places My Luggage Has Been, both written by Gene Perret. Gene's got a lot of experience being funny. He's an Emmy award-winning writer for comedy legends like Bob Hope, Bill Cosby, Carol Burnett, Tim Conway and Phyllis Diller. And he writes the popular "Wit Stop" column each month in Arizona Highways magazine.

Still not convinced? Here's a sampling from each book: "I know one guy who doesn't want to retire because he would miss two weeks vacation."

"A retired husband something else around the house that needs to be dusted."

TO ORDER A BOOK visit your favorite bookstore or call toll-free 1-800-543-5432. In the Phoenix area or outside the United States, call 602-712-2000. Or visit our Web site at witworksbooks.com.