GENE PERRET'S WIT STOP

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ARIZONA IS A GOOD DISTANCE AWAY from a lot of places. Bellingham, Washington, for example. Houlton, Maine, is another example. Miami, Florida, is more than a hop, skip and a jump away from the Grand Canyon State, too. But, then again, all of these places are just a phone call away.

I recently bought a piece of equipment by mail-order. I was a bit hesitant because I'm a cautious buyer. Normally I like to look something over, inspect it for tiny scratches, search out flaws. You can't do that when you order something over the phone. You pay for it, a delivery truck drops it on your doorstep, you sign for it and it's yours. However, the price was right, and friends vouched for the company, so this buyer relinquished his right to beware.

The merchandise arrived within three working days, as the company had promised. The installation instructions were easy to follow, as the company had promised. The equipment looked beautiful. It had one minor flaw it didn't work.

No problem. Though the company was quite a distance away, their customer support representatives were only a phone call away.

I called.

I didn't get a customer support representative. I got a machine. It said, "If you want to find out about the status of your order, press 1. If you want to inquire about new products, press 2. If you want to inquire about your billing status, press 3." Nowhere in the instructions did it say, "If you got a piece of equipment from us that doesn't work, press something or other."

I took a chance and pressed 3. I figured "billing status" was as close as I could come, because if they didn't get this thing working, I wanted my money back.

I didn't get a billing clerk. I got another machine with an entirely new menu. "Press 1 for something, press 2 for something else, press 3 for something different from 1 and 2." Again, they never offered a number to press for getting something from them that didn't work.

I picked a number at random. Guess what I got? Another machine. I don't think this company had any human beings working for it.

This machine recited a whole new litany of numbers I could push for whatever problem I had. The only problem was that the problem I had was that none of their numbers had anything to do with the problem I had.

Finally, I pressed 0. A real live operator came on and asked if she could help me. I said, "I hope you can. I'm trying to reach a technician who can . . ."

She clicked off and, I supposed, switched me over to the technicians - except I didn't get a technician. I got a machine.

This machine said, "Thank you for calling. All of our service technicians are busy with other customers right now. Please hold on and your call will be answered in the order in which it was received." Then this machine played music for me . . . for the next half-hour or 45 minutes.

I finally hung up and called back.

When the machine answered, I didn't even listen. I just pushed a number. Now I was in serious trouble. The instruction came to me in a foreign language.

I hung up in English.

I was getting frustrated. Then I remembered that when I called to buy this equipment, I was connected to a salesman right away. So I called the sales department. A real person answered.

I told him I wanted to buy two dozen more of the same item I'd already bought. He was delighted. Before he could close the sale, though, I told him I was being called to a meeting. Could he please call me back in about an hour?

When he called back, with visions of a large commission dancing in his head, I said, "Thank you for calling. If you're looking for your lost dog, press 1. If you're interested in intergalactic space travel, press 2...."

Petulant revenge is also only a phone call away. All Gene Perret's newest book, Grandchildren Are So Much Fun We Should Have Had Them First ($6.95 plus shipping and handling), serves up one-liners and gags for a humorous summary of how grandparents dote on grandchildren and how impish youngsters learn to wrap Grandma and Grandpa around their little fingers. To order, call toll-free (800) 543-5432. In Phoenix or from outside the United States, call (602) 712-2000.