HUMOR

humo "If you can laugh when the barn is burning, it ain't your barn."

From the WitWorks™ humor book Do You Pray, Duke? by Jim Willoughby. To order, call toll-free (800) 5435432. The cost is $6.95 plus shipping and handling.

SPEED RACER

My 86-year-old mother-in-law purchased a new Oldsmobile. She was delighted with her new car and drove out to our home to give us a ride. She said it took her no time to get around town; the car just seemed to fly. We got in the car and away we went. Like a bullet we passed all the cars on the road, the scenery was a blur. Glancing over at the speedometer, I saw that we were traveling 50 miles per hour in a 30 miles per hour zone. I asked, "Mom, why are you driving 50 in a 30 mile-per-hour zone?" She responded, "Fifty? I'm only going 20 miles per hour." No wonder Mom was getting around town so fast. She was watching the tachometer in her new car thinking it was the speedometer.

DESERT LESSON

While traveling that long, desolate stretch of highway from Phoenix to Blythe, California, our 6-year-old daughter entertained us with fascinating facts she had recently learned in a desert unit studied by her kindergarten class. "Did you know the saguaro cactus grows only in the Sonoran Desert?" she drilled us. "Nocturnal animals, like elf owls and kit foxes, live in the Sonoran Desert." On and on she went, and we duly applauded her knowledge of our great desert state. Tired of her sister's lengthy discourse, our 4-year-old finally piped up, "I don't like this Snoring Desert. It's boring."

A PROPER VISITOR

As a young fellow not long out of high school, I left Arizona to study in Quincy, Illinois. Having been raised in a churchgoing family, I sought a local Sunday school and joined a class of young people. When I returned the following Sunday, the teacher asked if anyone remembered the name of last week's visitor. One member spoke up right away. "I know his name, " she said, "Douglas Arizona."

JACK OR JILL?

From the deck of my parents' home, which backs up to open desert, we hoped to introduce a friend visiting from California to the native fauna such as quail, roadrunners and cottontail rabbits. We were thrilled when one of our favorites soon bounded onto the scene. We excitedly pointed and exclaimed, "That one over there is a jackrabbit!" To which she responded, "How can you tell from here that it's a boy?"

SHOE STOPPER

My mother and I were travelling across Arizona en route to a soccer tournament when we made a rest stop at a fast food restaurant. In the rest room, I struck up a conversation about shoes with a woman who told me she had found a cute pair of sandals at a discount store for $8. I commented on her wise purchase saying, "Good buy." Abruptly she turned and left, saying over her shoulder, "Good-bye."

FARM HANDS

My best friend moved from Bismarck, North Dakota, to Tucson a few years ago. On the last leg of her journey, she and her two young daughters drove late into a full-moon night. When they reached our house, she inquired why there were so many farmhands working at night in the fields. It took a little investigation to find out the "farmhands" were saguaro cacti.

PAMPERED PET?

My wife teaches kindergarten, and as lunchtime approached one day she asked the children to begin cleaning up the room. Two of the three boys playing in the doll corner promptly began putting things away, but the third just lay curled up on the floor. "Jason, please help the others clean up," she admonished him. "But Mrs. Douglas," protested one of the other boys, "the dog doesn't clean up!"

TO SUBMIT HUMOR Send us an original short story, no more than 200 words, about your humorous experiences, and we'll pay $75 for each one we publish. Send them to Humor, Arizona Highways, 2039 W. Lewis Ave., Phoenix, AZ 85009. Please enclose your name, address and telephone number with each submission. We'll notify those whose stories we intend to publish, but we cannot acknowledge or return unused submissions.

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