GENE PERRET'S WIT STOP

gene perret's Witstop Drive-by FOOD SAMPLING STATIONS and Other Ways to Make HIGHWAY TRAVEL More Palatable

Gene Perret's newest book, Someday I Want to Go to All the Places My Luggage Has Been ($7.95 plus shipping and handling), captures the comical mishaps of even the bestlaid travel plans. To order, call toll-free (800) 543-5432. In Phoenix or from outside the United States, call (602) 712-2000.

DRIVING IS A NICE WAY TO SEE ARIZONA. For one thing, when you start out on your trip your seat back doesn't have to be in its full, upright and locked position. Fix it the way you like it. So long as you can see out the windows and reach the pedals, it's fine. Also, you can have all the honey-roasted peanuts you want without feeling guilty, you can take as much luggage as you like, and you'll never have your trip delayed because there's heavy traffic in the Chicago area. Driving is the way to go, especially in Arizona where the roads are well maintained, well patrolled and surrounded by gorgeous scenery. Still, driving is not perfect. I have a few complaints. One of them is that while driving, you have a very limited music selection. Oh, I know that tape and CD players allow an infinite variety of artists and albums. However, my wife and I usually travel together. That's one driver, one passenger and two disparate musical tastes. We have a democratic marriage, though, which means we get one vote each. That can lead to some pretty nasty tiebreakers. For example: "If you don't like my music, you can get out and walk," or "Touch that CD player and the next rest stop we make will be at the emergency entrance to the nearest hospital."

Normally I do like her music. She idolizes Elvis Presley. I like Elvis and his vocalizing for about 600 miles. After that, I have to have a shot of Willie Nelson or Luciano Pavarotti or even Alvin and the Chipmunks - anything to break the Elvis monotony. Maybe now that cars have dual climate controls someone could invent a CD player where you put in one disc and Elvis comes out one speaker and Django Reinhardt comes out the other. Then, too, driving is an adventure. It's exploring personally uncharted territory. Often we're driving to places we've never seen before and we don't know what's around the next bend. As she drove, my wife said, "Start looking for a good place to eat." So I did. But there's no way to tell from the highway whether a place is a good place to eat or just a place to eat. I remarked to my wife that a sign just advised us that there was an eating place off the next exit. She said, "See if it looks any good." I looked and said, "It looks pretty good." She said, "How can you tell?" I said, "There are no people lying near the exit holding their stomachs and moaning." She said, "Very funny," and drove on. "It didn't look good," she explained. Finally, we stopped at a place that looked good and the food was terrible. That's the problem with driving unfamiliar terrain. You can stop at a place that looks good but is terrible. Or you can stop at a place that looks terrible and is great. Then, again, there's a chance the place that looks good is good and the place that looks terrible is terrible. You never know until you stop. Then it's too late. My suggestion would be to have little drive-by sampling stations. Where they have signs advertising food ahead, they should also offer little tidbits of the food that you can snatch as you drive by at 65 miles an hour. You take a bite. If it tastes good, you stop; if it doesn't, you continue on. There might be a logistics problem with this, but I think it can and should be done. Finally, I dislike other drivers. Some drive too slow; others too fast. Some have snotty little sports cars that arrogantly pass my conservative little sedan. Some have massive 16-wheelers that insist on attaching themselves to my tailpipe and tooting their horn to taunt me. Each driver in every vehicle has some habit or another that annoys me. Some do absolutely nothing irritating, and I know they do that just to get on my nerves. So here's my suggestion. I'll furnish an itinerary of where I'm going and when. I'd appreciate it then if everyone else would kindly stay off my highways. If you do, then driving, for me, will absolutely be perfect. AH