GENE PERRET'S WIT STOP

Not-so-plain English and Poor Penmanship Spell TROUBLE for this Author at Book-signings

I'VE JUST TRAVELED OVER A CONSIDERABLE portion of Arizona promoting my recent book. It's fun. I give speeches, appear on radio and television, do newspaper interviews and sign a few books, too. The places I visit are gorgeous, but the real excitement is meeting so many nice people. Book-signings are an adventure for me. Most people in their early grade-school years learn the three R's-Reading, 'Riting and 'Rithmetic. I learned the four R's-Reading, 'Rithmetic and Rotten 'Riting. My handwriting would make your family doctor look like a calligrapher.

Remember the exercises you went through to learn to write? You'd do pages and pages of beautiful loops, then those loops would be transformed into elegant A's and O's and Q's. The teachers would show you how to form the various letters, often with little poetic chants to guide your hand. "Over, around and down and up-over, around and down and up." Eventually you learned to write gracefully and legibly. Not me.

I lost interest around the third row of loops. And that's how I write to this day. I always print the first letter of any word. I don't know why; I just do. Then the next letter is semi-readable. From that point on it's every letter for itself. That's right, the remainder of the word is just a squiggly line. In my handwriting, the word "autobiographically" looks exactly like "anatomically" or even "astrophysically."

Consequently, most people I meet at booksignings, I meet twice. First they ask, "Would you write something in my book?" Then, later, they ask, "What did you write in my book?"

One fellow I met in a bookstore in Sedona asked, "Who is Bud Wister?"

I said, "Who?"

He repeated, "Bud Wister."

I said, "I have no idea."

He said, "Then why did you write his name in my book?"

I said, "I don't think I did. Let me see."

He showed me the autographed copy and I explained, "No. That's 'Best Wishes.'"

He said, "It looks like 'Bud Wister."

I said, "Yeah, it does a bit. But, then again, itcould also be 'Bob Winters.'"

He turned the book sideways a bit and said, "I don't see that."

I said, "Sure, look. This squiggle could be an 'n' and the line up is obviously a 't.' The rest could be practically anything."

He said, "So it's not 'Bud Wister?'"

I said, "No. It's 'Best Wishes' and I signed it to you. See where it says, 'To Harry?'"

He said, "Yeah, I see that. But my name's not Harry. It's Harvey."

I said, "Same thing. It's an 'H' followed by something that looks almost like an 'a' and then a squiggly line."

He was catching on to my writing style. He said, "It could almost be 'Henny,' too."

I said, "Sure. If you've got a friend named Henny, this would make a fine gift for her."

He said, "Nah. I'll keep it myself since my name's in it. Thanks for signing it."

"My pleasure," I said, as he walked away. Another returnee wasn't as understanding.

"Hey," he said, "why did you write 'Kelp is Smelly' in my daughter's book?"

I said, "Let me see it."

He showed me the autographed page and I explained. "That's 'Keep on Smiling.' See, my books are humorous and . . ."

"What does kelp have to do with humor?" he asked.

I said, "No, there's no 'kelp' in there."

He said, "It says 'kelp' right here."

I said, "That's 'keep.' The second 'e' is just much larger than the first one."

He said, "Why?"

I admitted I didn't know why. "I just make different letters different sizes, that's all."

He wasn't buying it. He said, "There's only one 'l' in 'Smiling,' but you definitely have two in 'smelly.'"

I said, "No, what you think is the second 'l' is actually a very large 'i' that looks like an '1.'"

He said, "Can I get my money back on this book?"

I said, "You can ask at the counter, but I doubt it. It's already been written in, you know."

He said, "Yeah, who wants a book that says 'Kelp is Smelly' in it?"

I said as he started to depart, "It's 'Keep on Smiling, and I hope your daughter, Sarah, enjoys the book."

He stormed back holding the open book up to my face. "That's another thing," he said. "My daughter's name is Beatrice."

That one I couldn't explain. Alh To order this book ($6.95 plus shipping and handling) or other Perret humor books call toll-free (800) 543-5432. In Phoenix call (602) 712-2000. Or use arizonahighways.com