HUMOR

humor HEAT STROKES BY GARY BENNETT

“I suppose,” said Mrs. Tartleigh, “when you die you expect to meet all your husbands.” “You're very rude,” retorted Mrs. Muchwedded. “When I die I expect to go to heaven.” -JEROME MINING NEWS, MARCH 12, 1912 It is illegal to hunt camels in Arizona, which is good. Have you ever tried to tie one of those suckers to the roof of your car?

THE REAL TRUTH

The late Milo Wiltbank, a rancher, poet and philosopher from eastern Arizona's White Mountains, liked to tell of the day his grade school teacher sent him home early for misbehaving. Milo's dad, Pacer, promptly saddled his horse and took his son back to the pole-and-mud schoolhouse for an explanation.

"I want to know why you kicked my kid out of school," Pacer said to the teacher.

"Because he was such a smart aleck," came the response.

"What'd he do?" Pacer asked.

"I asked who signed the Declaration of Independence and he looked up and said, 'I don't know, but I sure as heck didn't. So you see I had to send him home."

Pacer was unconvinced. "Now look here," said the indignant father. "My kid doesn't lie and if he said he didn't sign the darn thing, then he didn't."

LEO W. BANKS, Tucson

HOT TOPIC

When the bus line came out our way my mother was excited. She looked forward to having the car when my father took the bus to work. This went well until summer. Phoenix summers were too hot for my father to walk the mile to the bus stop. My mother drove him to the stop and picked him up at the end of the day. One evening my mother, sisters and I were taking the clothes off the line when we saw my father trudging up the long driveway. He was perspiring, red-faced from the heat, angry and rumpled-looking - typical for someone who has just walked a mile in 110degree heat. When he got close enough for us to hear him, he called out, "Why didn't you come get me at the bus stop?"

While we girls tried not to laugh, my mother calmly replied, "Richard, you drove the car to work this morning."

MARY ANN GOVE, Cottonwood

END OF THE LINE

One afternoon, my wife and I were preparing to board the special train that makes the trip to the Grand Canyon from Williams. Before boarding, we were intrigued by the conductor as he announced to the visitors, "This train stops at the Grand Canyon." He repeated this announcement about every three minutes. Just before departure an elderly woman inquired, "Mr. Conductor, does this train stop at the Grand Canyon?" "Ma'am," he said, "if this train doesn't stop at the Grand Canyon, there's going to be one heck of a wreck."

HOWARD V. LINDQUIST, Winston-Salem, NC

MILD TEMPERATURE

Chazz, my wife's FAA flight examiner for her private pilot's license, was occasionally called upon to give lectures on air safety. Once, at such a lecture in Alaska, he was asked, "How do you tolerate the constant 112-degree heat in Phoenix?" Mindful of the "wind chill" factor in reporting temperatures in places like Alaska, Chazz immediately replied, "Easily. With the wind chill factor it is only 111 degrees."

HERB PHILBRICK, Mesa

DRY HEAT

The Arizona drought is so bad that I got a letter from my cousin in Yuma and the stamp was stapled on.

PETE CHRISTENSEN, Phoenix

TO SUBMIT HUMOR

Send your jokes and humorous Arizona anecdotes to Humor, Arizona Highways, 2039 W. Lewis Ave., Phoenix, AZ 85009 or e-mail us at [email protected]. We'll pay $50 for each item used. Please enclose your name, address and telephone number with each submission.

Reader's Corner

A cactus doesn't do much except stand out in the desert all day. Let's face it, if your backside was full of prickers you'd stand, too.

This month's topic is: cactus. Send us your best original cactus jokes and if they make us laugh, we'll print them - and pay you for them.

Forest to Desert Mesa to Canyon Innocence to Experience Child to Adult Transformation One of Life's Primary Elements

Experience author Craig Childs' unique perspective on transition in the pages of the Southwest's Contrary Land, an Arizona Highways book. Accompany him as he embarks on a journey through time. Share his revelations, feel his passion for adventure and discover the profound effects this contrary land has on us as human beings. Stunning, full-color photographs bring the story to life.

Get your copy of this extraordinary book now for only $39.95 (plus shipping and handling). ADVH1 176 pages, 11" x 11", hardcover, 146 full-color photographs

4 EASY WAYS TO ORDER

Complete the attached order card Call us toll-free at 1-800-543-5432 (in Phoenix area or outside the U.S., call 602-712-2000)

Fax your order to 602-254-4505

Order online at arizonahighways.com