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gene perret's Witstop Once a SECRET ADMIRER... A Tale of Love Through the Ages

FEBRUARY IS A BEAUTIFUL MONTH FOR YOUNG lovers. It's a time for hearts and flowers and candy and expressions of undying puppy love. It's romantic and sweet. It's the Valentine month.

There is a Valentine, Arizona, you know. It's on historic Route 66 between Kingman and Truxton. The town has nothing to do with the romantic February holiday. It was named for Robert G. Valentine, the Commissioner of Indian Affairs from 1908 to 1910. But that doesn't matter. This column is going to be about the February 14 holiday anyway. It's so much more romantic than an old Indian Affairs commissioner.

I used to love Valentine's Day when I was a youngster. Kids in our school would exchange cards and I enjoyed getting them. I recently boasted to an old school chum that I think I still hold the school record. I once got 126 cards on February 14, all signed "A Secret Admirer."

He said, "That's because none of the girls in school wanted to admit they knew you."

I did have a few problems as a young lover. In our neighborhood, we used to play a game at parties called Spin the Bottle. We boys would sit in a circle, and a girl would spin the bottle. If the bottle pointed to you, the girl could either kiss you or give you a nickel. When I was 12, I owned my own home.

Still, with all my troubles, young love was exciting. But, you know something? Old love is thrilling, too.

My wife and I have been together for many years and we're discovering that mature love is easier than young love.

The communication problem is much simpler. I can recall agonizing over what I would say to a young lady I was smitten with. (We used to get "smitten" back in those days.) Should I just walk up to her and boldly tell her what I am thinking? "Hey, hubba-hubba, honey." That would sometimes work back then, but I thought it was too forward.

Maybe I could use the sympathy gambit. "Hi. I know you're a brain and I thought maybe you could help me with my homework." That wouldn't do. She was in class with me. She knew I never did homework.

It was a lot of stress. Not so with mature love. Now I have three phrases that pretty much cover all communication with my spouse. "How much did you spend?" "Do you know where my shoes are?" and "What's for dinner?"

That's pretty much it. Once in a while I'll throw in a "hubba-hubba," but it doesn't seem to have the impact it once had. Back then, even if I happened to get a date with a young lady, it was still traumatic. I wanted to look cool and handsome. I can remember standing for hours in front of a mirror, combing and recombing my hair until it looked perfect.

Of course, those days are gone forever and so is the hair I used to comb.

Nowadays if I stand in front of the mirror for hours it's because I'm trying to remember what I came into the bathroom for.

Finances were a problem for young lovers, too. You'd want to take the girl someplace elegant where she could enjoy hors d'oeuvres, a beverage and a fine meal, all for the three dollars and change you had in your pocket.

I remember one date who glanced at the menu and said, "Well, I guess I'll have the lobster."

I felt in my pocket and said, "Guess again." Mature lovers don't have that problem.

We go where it's cheap and we don't have to dress up.

Not long ago my spouse said, "Let's go someplace nice for dinner."

I said, "We can't afford it."

She always ignores that complaint, so she went on. "We can go to La Ritz."

I said, "I don't have anything nice to wear." She said, "What happened to the new suit you just bought?"

I said, "It doesn't fit anymore."

We went out for hamburgers. Mature lovers no longer have to impress.

My wife and I met in kindergarten and went through grade school as classmates. We began dating in college and have been together ever since. And each year I still get a mushy, romantic, sweet Valentine's Day card from her.

This year I said, "The card is lovely. But why do you still sign it 'A Secret Admirer?'"

She said, "I don't want any of the kids we used to go to school with to know that I hang around with you."

Did I mention that a sense of humor helps, too? Al In the book Growing Older is So Much Fun EVERYBODY'S Doing It author Gene Perret says, "If you can't shoot your age in golf, take up bowling." To order this book ($6.95 plus shipping and handling) or other Perret humor books call toll-free (800) 543-5432. In Phoenix call (602) 712-2000. Or use arizonahighways.com