GENE PERRET'S WIT STOP

The GREAT AMERICAN NOVEL Wasn't Written in a Day EVEN ON A COMPUTER

MY WIFE AND I ATTENDED LAST YEAR'S Arizona Book Festival, which is held each April at Margaret T. Hance Park in Phoenix. What a glorious event. There are acres of booksellers, authors, fine books and inspiration enough to last a lifetime. It certainly motivated me. "I'm going to write the Great American Novel," I told my wife. "You've said that before. What's different this time?" she asked. "I'm going to buy a computer," I said. "Should we spend that much right now?" she asked. "It's not spending," I explained. "It's an investment. Next year, I'll be here selling the book that is going to make us rich."

My wife looked at the machine when it was finally installed.

"Is it working?" she asked.

"'Booted up,' as we computer whizzes like to say," I told her.

"And it's easy to operate?" She knows I'm mechanically challenged.

"Are you kidding?" I said. "A child could operate it. A dumb animal. This is so easy, even a genius could be taught to use it."

"Well, I'm sure you fit somewhere into that span of categories," she said.

"Oh, I do," I said. "And with this contraption, I'm going to write that novel I've always wanted to write. I'll be famous... and rich."

"Just make enough to pay off the computer." With that admonition, she left me to my fiction-writing chores.

Hours later she popped her head in to check on my progress. "How's it going?" she asked.

"Great," I said. "Just great. Look at this."

"What?"

"I've got all my characters named."

"Wonderful," she said. "That's a start."

"Not only named," I said, "but also listed in alphabetical order."

I showed her a screen with a list of some 40 names on it. She looked and read: "Arthur Abelard... Sonny Avelino... Edwina Barron ." I could tell she was astounded. "So you do," she said. "So you do."

"Isn't that great?" I asked.

She said, "What does this Edwina Barron do in the book?"

"Oh, I don't have them doing anything yet," I said. "I just have them in alphabetical order."

My wife looked puzzled and not as thrilled as I had expected she would be.

I said, "And look." I pushed a couple of keys, the screen flickered and the words rearranged themselves. "Now they're in reverse alphabetical order."

She glanced at the names of Myron Zygmond, Belinda Yonk, Clyde Xylon and some others on the monitor.

She left, not overwhelmed, nor even whelmed.

Later I hollered to my wife from my office, "Honey, I've completed Chapter One."

She came in, enthused. "Can I read it?" she asked.

I said, "Now you know I don't like anyone to read my writing until the project is completed."

She looked disappointed, so I relented.

"Okay, take a look," I said.

She glanced at the screen, then said, "All it says is 'Chapter One.'"

"I know. That's what I've got done."

She said, "It took you all morning to write two words?"

I explained, "I've been experimenting with different fonts. Doesn't this look great in Bodoni Bold?"

There was no noticeable reaction from her, so I said, "Or look . I can change it to Mercurius Script Bold."

She left.

Finally, I called my wife in to read the first line of the novel that was going to put both of us on easy street. She read aloud from the mon-itor, "Gork was bewildered as he gazed at his young wife." She turned and said to me, "Gork?"

I said, "Yeah, it's great. I type the whole novel with 'Gork,' then when I'm done I do a global search and change his name to 'Dexter McFallway.' Neat, huh?"

She said, "Why?"

I said, "Because it's fun. And it's easy. Imagine if I tried to do this on my old portable typewriter. It would take forever. This way I just push a key here, and Gork is gone while debonair Dexter McFallway takes his place."

She said, "I don't think you're ever going to get this novel published." Then left, less whelmed than before.

But she's wrong. Now that I have the first sentence of my novel almost completed, I plan to spend next week learning the merge func-tions. I want to send a brilliant query letter to 750 publishers.

Writing is easy with a computer.

I'll see you at the Arizona Book Festival. AH In the book Grandchildren Are So Much Fun We Should Have Had Them First, author Gene Perret notes, "Grandchildren are the fringe benefits of raising a family." To order this book ($6.95 plus shipping and handling) or other Perret humor books, call toll-free (800) 543-5432. In Phoenix, call (602) 712-2000. Or use arizonahighways.com.