GENE PERRET'S WIT STOP

gene perret's Witstop NOT PLAYING the Guitar FOR THE GOOD of Music and Audiences Everywhere

NOT LONG AGO, I GAVE A TALK IN SEDONA benefiting the Sedona-Flagstaff Symphony League. I consider public speaking one of my favorite things. It's either an avocation or a hobby, depending on how much I get paid. Sometimes when folks find out that I'm a speaker, they ask, "What do you talk about?" My wife always answers that. She says, "Himself." She's right, and I love it. This engagement, though, especially appealed to me. It let me visit a beautiful part of Arizona, make new friends and help raise money for musicians and music lovers. I'm a bit of a musician myself, you know. I play guitar. Someone once said that the guitar's an easy instrument to learn to play, but a difficult instrument to learn to play well. I'm one of those who just learned to play. A line that Will Rogers used about another instrument applies just as well to the guitar. He said that a friend of his was "my favorite kind of ukulele player. He knows how to play, but he don't."

I don't know how to play, but I sometimes do. However, I rarely play for an audience. It's not that I don't try. It's just that every time I do try, my audience abandons me. My wife says that my guitar playing can clear a room faster than a smoke alarm.

I'm self-taught. There's nothing wrong with that. Many fine musicians are self-taught. But all of the worst ones are.

I've never had a lesson in my life. Well, I did have one lesson. I played a few chords and riffs for my instructor. Another student came in and listened to my playing while waiting for his own lesson. He was about 8 years old.

When I finished my lesson, I began packing my instrument away. I said to him, "You're a guitar player, huh?"

He said, "Yes."

I asked, "Been studying guitar long?"

He said, "About a year."

I said, "Do you play like me?"

He said, "I used to."

I never bothered going back to that studio. Normally, I don't talk about my guitar playing. It's too humiliating. I mean, does Napoleon talk about Waterloo? Or the time he tried out for the palace basketball team?

But I enjoy my music, even if it is for my ears only. I carry my guitar with me so that I can "noodle" on it from time to time. Once I took it on a cruise to Mexico. As I was taking it out of the case one morning, my wife asked, "What are you doing with the guitar?"

I said, "I'm going to sit up on a deck chair and play a few tunes."

My wife said, "Be sure to wear your life vest." I asked, "Are you expecting a maritime disaster?"

She said, "No, I'm expecting someone may pick you up and throw you overboard."

No one did, but I must admit that after a bit of strumming, I had the entire promenade deck to myself.

You see, the Sedona-Flagstaff Symphony League helps support musicians who can play many different compositions. They can regale their audiences with a symphony by Mozart, a sonata of Haydn's or a Tchaikovsky concerto.

Me? I can play only two tunes on the guitar. One is "Won't You Come Home Bill Bailey," and the other one isn't.

What's worse is that, when I play them, I can't even tell which one is which.

During one talk, I did happen to mention my guitar playing. Someone in the audience said, "Play something for us." Reluctantly, I agreed to strum a few bars for them. They began shouting out their requests and continued for 10 or 12 minutes until someone finally yelled out, "Won't You Come Home Bill Bailey."

Then I told them what a thrill it was for me to play for a live audience, especially since my wife was there. I asked her, "When's the last time you listened to me play the guitar?"

She said, "About 40 years ago."

The audience chuckled.

I said, "No, 40 years ago was the first time you listened to me play the guitar."

She shouted back, "Same thing."

So, even though I'm not a musician, I enjoyed working for the benefit of the Sedona-Flagstaff Symphony League. Our stay in Sedona was glorious, our hosts were most hospitable and the audience was tremendously receptive.

During my entire talk, I never once mentioned my own guitar-playing talents, and I didn't play for them. That also benefited the musicians. AH

MARRIAGE IS FOREVER

Gene Perret's latest book, Marriage is Forever... Some Days Longer, captures the happy, hilarious side of marriage through one-liners and humorous maxims. He believes that, like good wine, marriage gets better with age-once you learn to keep a cork in it. To order this book ($6.95 plus shipping and handling) or other humor books, call toll-free (800) 543-5432. In Phoenix, call (602) 7122000. Or use arizonahighways.com.