HUMOR

humor beat strokes

BY GARY BENNETT Shooting blood from his eyes, he could take out a can at 40 waddles. One only need mention the IRS.

Unusual Perspective

By Linda Perret The spines from a barrel cactus can be used as phonograph needles. Just don't be surprised if all the songs start sounding like "Tumblin' Tumble Weeds."

"We've been married so long we think alike. For instance, even when we disagree now, we both think I'm wrong." *

EARLY-DAY ARIZONA

MARSHA: "When I get to Heaven I'm going to ask Shakespeare if he wrote these plays." FRED: "He may not be there." MARSHA: "Then you ask him."

in the defendant's cabin. "I'll ask him, but it's highly irregular," the lawyer commented. "Why do you want him to do that?" "Well," replied the defendant, "I figure I've got a better chance of avoiding the noose if I've got the home court advantage."

KISS AND TELL

I bought a dozen longstemmed yellow roses for a special friend and decided to deliver them to where she works. Upon arriving at the reception area, I noticed a small group of women standing near the door. One of the women asked if she could help me, and I asked for my friend. As she approached, I handed her the bouquet, and she kissed me on the cheek. The group of women still stood nearby, and I heard one of them whisper, "She's kissing the flower delivery man!"

THE ULTIMATE QUESTION

I've just celebrated my 90th birthday, you'll surmise that my Tucson daughter, Sharon, is no spring chicken. So when she said recently that she'd been spending a lot of time considering the Hereafter, I was more than startled. "Why? Is something wrong?" I demanded. "Whenever I go from one room to another," she said, "I have to stand in the middle of the floor for a while, asking myself, 'What in the heck am I here after?'

TALES OF TOMBSTONE

We asked readers for Tombstone jokes. Here are some of their submissions: I saw a sign outside one of Tombstone's motels that said, "Rest in Peace."

The Old West, believe it or not, actually had health insurance for retired cowboys. It was started by Wyatt AARP.

An old-time judge in Arizona was noted for levying fines for any infraction of the law. Once he sat as both judge and coroner over the body of a stranger found dead in the woods with $40 in gold and a six-shooter in his pocket. The judge fined the corpse $40 for carrying a concealed weapon. Both by HERM ALBRIGHT, Indianapolis, IN

TO SUBMIT HUMOR

Send your jokes and humorous Arizona anecdotes to Humor, Arizona Highways, 2039 W. Lewis Ave., Phoenix, AZ 85009 or e-mail us at [email protected]. We'll pay $50 for each item used. Please include your name, address and telephone number with each submission.

Reader's Corner

River-rafting can be a very educational vacation. For instance, every time my mom got wet I learned a new word. Unfortunately, I'm not allowed to use any of them.

Send us your river-rafting jokes and we'll pay you $50 for each one we publish.

GOING TO RUIN

During a trip from Tucson to Phoenix, our 7-year-old daughter, Audrey, was showing off her reading skills by reeling off the contents of every road sign. "Casa Grande Ruins National Monument," she announced from the backseat. She paused. "Mommy, why would they do that?"

THE SHORT AND TALL OF IT

After living in Arizona for quite some time and talking to the old-timers, I've discovered there is scant difference between a cowboy story and a fairy tale. Here's the tip-off. A fairy tale begins, "Once upon a time . . . ." A cowboy story begins, "No kidding, folks, this really happened."

HANGING AROUND

An Old West horse thief asked his attorney if the circuit-riding judge would hold his hearing at