WIT STOP

Not All Birds of a Feather Flock Together, As the Speedy Roadrunner Can Testify

We live and learn. I was reading the paper the other day when I came across the words, "The roadrunner is a flightless bird." I never knew that.

The roadrunner is a bird, I knew that, and I assumed that it could fly. All other birds fly.

Well, except the kiwi, and the ostrich, which doesn't really look like a bird. It looks like a ball of feathers with legs and its head stuck in the sand. Naturally, that wouldn't fly.

Then, too, there's the penguin, which doesn't really look like a bird, either. It looks like a maitre d'. Besides, penguins live in the antarctic where there's no reason to fly. There are no trees to land in, no telephone wires to perch on nothing but ice. If you take off and fly in the antarctic, the only place to land is on the ground. Since you're already on the ground, why bother? It makes sense that penguins don't fly.

But the roadrunner looks like a bird, so I assumed it could fly. Although, come to think of it, I don't remember ever seeing one in flight. Although, come to think of something else, I wouldn't recognize a roadrunner in the air, so I don't know if I've ever seen one in flight. But then, because they are flightless birds, I suppose I've never seen one in flight.

It's not unreasonable to expect certain things to fly. How would you like it if you rushed to the airport, boarded the aircraft, stuffed your luggage into the overhead compartment, settled into your seat, and fastened your seatbelt, prepared for takeoff, and then heard the pilot's voice over the intercom: "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome aboard. This particular aircraft is a flightless aircraft. We will be leaving the gate in about five minutes and will taxi all the way to Cleveland. If there is anything we can do to make your trip more enjoyable. . . ."

Yes, there's something you can do, Captain-fly to Cleveland. This is an airplane; it should fly.

The roadrunner is a bird; it should fly.

Besides, it seems rather heartless that a bird can't fly. Although, it's probably better than a fish that can't swim. Is there such a thing as a swimless fish? If there were, it probably would have been extinct years ago, wouldn't it? Are there other anomalies in nature? Are there crawless snakes? Quilless porcupines? Stinkless skunks? Are there octopuses that run out of ink? I don't know; the article didn't mention these.

But it definitely did mention that the roadrunner is a flightless bird. Is this frustrating to the creature? Does the roadrunner sometimes pause while scurrying around the desert floor, look up into the sky and watch the sparrows, cactus wrens, and hawks floating gracefully among the clouds and say to itself, "I wish I could soar like a bird wait a minute, I am a bird. Of course, this could lead to delusions of airworthiness. A particular roadrunner could perch on some precipice (presumably having climbed up there) and in a fit of selfesteem thrust forward, spread its wings, and shout, "Oh yeah, I am a bird... oh no, oh no, I am a flightless bird.

That probably would never happen, though, because the roadrunner must know that it's a flightless bird. Animals have instincts about those things.

When my wife came in, I said to her, "This is absolutely amazing."

She said, "What?"

I said, "The roadrunner is a flightless bird."

She said, "So?"

I said, "So, it's very interesting."

She said, "Oh." She said it in a tone that implied it wasn't really very interesting, except maybe to the easily interested.

I said, "I think it's incredible. This bird has wings, but it doesn't know how to fly."

She said, "That's not so unbelievable. You have golf clubs."

I stared at her.

She went on. "You have a toolbox."

I was still speechless.

She said, "You have a. . . ."

"Okay, okay," I said. She'd made her point.

"Besides," she said, "I don't believe it."

I said, "It's right here in the paper." I showed her the article.

She said, "I still don't believe it. Look it up in the encyclopedia."

So I did.

The encyclopedia said, "The roadrunner, noted among desert birds for killing snakes, is a fast, agile runner, but rarely flies." Rarely flies. That's a totally different story. That means it knows how to fly, but it just doesn't want to.

In that case, forget everything I just said... and don't believe everything you read in the paper.

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