ARIZONA HUMOR

humor:

Age before beauty is a nice thought, but I've learned not to depend on it when I come to a four-way stop sign Full House It was the 1950s in one of those small towns peculiar to northern Arizona: surrounded by miles of nothing, Victorian in its ways and deeply religious. I was too little to understand my scandalous grandmother and her four sisters who came over every week to play cards. Years later I would hear people whisper, "Those sisters could hardly wait to get out of church and set up the card table." I only knew to make myself scarce when they started whooping it up. In 1974 my grandmother died, the last of the sisters to go. Everyone came to the funeral, sitting there pious and full of expectation. Uncle Albert, the town pharmacist, last remaining brother-in-law, town patriarch and practical joker extraordinaire, got up to speak. After shuffling to the pulpit, he deadpanned, "Brothers and sisters, today there is a full house in heaven." Mark Bell, Provo, UT do you think the rain is moving?" He studied the sky for a moment, then faced me and uttered confidently, "Down." Cindy Keck, Winfield, IL Get the Cook We arrived late for the grand opening of a new Indian art gallery in Scottsdale, an official-looking gold ribbon with a huge bow had been placed across the entrance, keeping us from joining the crowd inside. Standing outside near a photographer, we watched while gallery owner Gilbert Ortega, former governor Rose Mofford, country singer Tanya Tucker and several local dignitaries took their places for the ribbon-cutting ceremony. As the guests gathered around, one gentleman remarked to Tanya Tucker, Ortega's longtime friend, that he was surprised to see her back in town again so soon. "I'm hard to get rid of," she replied in her country twang. "Kinda like a hair in a biscuit." Patricia Bezunartea, Scottsdale Smart Aleck My family and I eagerly anticipated our first horseback ride at a dude ranch near Tucson, but the morning of the ride dawned damp and gloomy. The clouds sprinkled droplets of rain as the cowboys brought the horses around. I stared at the thunderheads stretched low across the horizon and wondered if the rain was moving toward us. Turning to the wrangler, I asked, "Which direction do you think the rain is moving?" He studied the sky for a moment, then faced me and uttered confidently, "Down." Cindy Keck, Winfield, IL Nice One, Dave In September 1997, I took a white-water rafting trip through the Grand Canyon. I soon learned that the standard rafting toilet was a 20 mm rocket box. A second rocket box contained toilet paper, soap, metal riser and toilet seat for setting on the first rocket box. River rafters have a technique to avoid using too many of the first boxes. As one starts to get full, the box top is latched down. Then the box is lifted and pounded to the ground to compact the contents. One day, boatman Jim Brenner watched boatman Dave VanBoxtaele pound the living daylights out of the wrong rocket box. Jim commended Dave for compressing all those rolls of squeezably soft Charmin. Clyde Kodadek, San Marcos, CA The usher marched briskly up the aisle and returned a few minutes later with the manager. Together they tried repeatedly to get the cowboy to move. Unsuccessful, they finally summoned the police.

A Good Show A cowboy lay sprawled across three seats in a posh Scottsdale theater. When an usher noticed this, he whispered, "Sorry, sir, but you're only allowed one seat." The cowboy groaned but didn't budge, and the usher became impatient. "Sir, if you don't get up from there, I'm going to have to call the police." The cowboy only groaned again.

The policeman surveyed the situation and asked, "Okay, buddy, what's your name?" "Sam," the cowboy moaned. "Where ya from, Sam?" With obvious pain, Sam replied, "The balcony." Walt Glaeser, Colorado Springs, CO TO SUBMIT HUMOR Send us an original short story, no more than 200 words, about your humorous experiences, and we'll pay $75 for each one we publish. Send them to Humor, Arizona Highways, 2039 W. Lewis Ave., Phoenix, AZ 85009. Please enclose your name, address and telephone number with each submission. We'll notify those whose stories we intend to publish, but we cannot acknowledge or return unused submissions. The saying at the top of the page is from the Arizona Highways humor book Growing Older is So Much Fun EVERYBODY'S Doing It, by Gene Perret, who writes our "Wit Stop" column. To order, call toll-free (800) 543-5432. The cost is $6.95 plus shipping and handling.

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